Let The Countdown Begin

There may be days, weeks, even simple moments where that dark black cloud of doldrums just hangs over you. Showering you with sadness, woe-is-me pity, and anger; leaving you feeling depressed, overwhelmed, or even causing you to release those moments with tears. That was me today, and partly this week. It's tough when those moments hit, but all you can do is accept them, live them, let them do their damage, and move on, heal, begin to rebuild. Soon that dark black cloud turns gray, until finally the sky clears, and the radiant blue shines through!!

My sky’s were pitch black, turned to gray today, and now they're bright blue! See it?...I've reached the moment where a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

“FINALLY!!” I want to yell! It feels good, and there's certainly reason as to why.

Where I live and work right now, I do enjoy. I like it, really, and as you've seen in past posts it's a question as to when I'll move on to a new job. Well...in time; I need to remain patient, optimistic, and positive. I need to put the good, exciting, happy energy out into the universe, and not the depressed, frustrated, and angry energy... This is TOO a real thing!

I know what you're thinking... “Hmm, Jenn you've gone cray cray.”

NO! I haven't! Honest! I was talking last night with my dear Andrew, and I was reminded of this. We receive, what we put out...like whatever we put into something impacts the outcome. I've been so clouded lately, by my frustration of not being able to control things, that I've forgotten a life mantra that I live by. It's like...treating others the way you want to be treated. I wholeheartedly believe that, and it's the same with the energy you put out into the world/universe. Call it Karma, juju, good vibes, whatever...in the end, it's all about the energy you release. I finally am reminded of that, and as much as I like to think that I was always aware of it before...frustration and unmotivated feelings can truly change all that.

I live in a small town...I'd say...12,000 to 15,000 people live in this town. That's maybe a third of the size of CU-Boulder...just to put things into perspective. The campus of University of Northern Colorado even had at least 11,000 students...and that's a small college! Well, everyone in this town is linked somehow...like everyone knows everyone, and it's refreshing. I like feeling involved in the community, and seeing people who I see at council meetings at the gym; or people I see in choir at the grocery store. It's a small town, and for the most part it's quaint. The people in this town are amazing! They truly are so friendly and welcoming! I'm thankful for that. I need to focus on these happy moments to get me through the...dark black cloud ones.

Something that I don't particularly like is that...once you do something, it's almost assumed you'll be involved again. I did a Christmas play at the local Methodist Church, followed by a Easter Play, and now they want me to do the Christmas play for this year too. I understand that they want me involved, because they know my degree in theatre is a passion of mine, and that I love the stage. I truly do feel at home on the stage! It's just...I have a hard time feeling excited to be part of the plays...because they're not too well written, and no one else really has theatre experience. I know, I need to be more relaxed on it all...that it's as good as it's going to get, because everyone does it as a hobby. There's not any community theatre or anything in this town. So...before, I did the plays just so I could live again. I wanted to feel at home again. I wanted to perform.

However, when they start to write roles with you in mind...and assume that you're going to join the cast...it makes it hard to say, “No.” A sense of obligation and pressure ensues, and that causes me to dwell on the issue until I'm worried sick. I don't want to let anyone down, and I don't want to seem “unfriendly,” but I always found myself thinking to myself, “Ugh, if only I could direct this...” or “This would be way better if...” even, “What kind of stage dynamic is that?” – It's so hard for me sometimes, because it was my major in college, and I care a lot about doing my best work in any situation that I can. It's...not too fun to feel like you're not involved in something that's great, but I need to remember that it's a drama ministry doing God's work. Right now, they want me to be part of the 2015 Christmas show, and I don't know if I want to. I really wasn't planning on it, but because of the “obligation and guilt” that I feel...it makes it hard to say, “No.”

I was talking with Andrew about this last night. “If it's not going to make you happy, then don't do it. It's okay to say, 'No',” is what he said, and my parents said the same thing. I really comes down whether I want to do, because of my love for performing...or not to do it, because of the quality of the show...and that's a decision I'll have to make on my own. Magic 8 Ball? Flip a coin? I don't think will work on this one...

So, what made my sky's go from black to gray to blue?

Well...They were black, because I felt so overwhelmed and out of control of my current situation, both due to work and the stress from choosing to participate with the play or not. They turned gray, because I finally accepted a game plan for my work situation. As you know I want to travel, and it's a question of when. Well, I decided that it will for sure happen, and rather than being stuck in the doldrums, I'm going to focus on working and saving more money, so that I can make the trip a reality. Then, when the trip draws nearer, and my outlook is more pleasant, because I'll be excited to travel, that's when I'll start applying for jobs. Letting the current jobs disappear (which there aren't many I want anyway...) and for new ones to appear. It will give me time to accept and move on from the current black cloud feelings. It will also give me time to determine if I want to stay in radio broadcasting, move into television broadcasting, and to what extent I choose. Anything in theatre, film, television, or broadcasting is fine by me!

I finally accepted this conclusion, because I decided to be dauntless.

That's right, I've decided to be dauntless. I've committed to my “solo travel” adventure. THAT IS RIGHT!! – I BOOKED THE TRIP!!

“AHHHH!!!!!” – I'm suddenly filled with, “what am I doing?!” and “OMG” thoughts, because once I make a deposit payment...It's on like Donkey Kong! I'm scared, excited, thrilled, terrified, and happy all in one moment...but it's a good thing. This is a good thing. I want to prove to myself that I can be strong and independent; that I'm capable, and that I CAN DO THIS. I know my mind will continue to be a titer-totter, and I know my nerves will be knots, but I've been wanting to do this for so long, and it's finally happening! I just need to push myself, and let myself live, be free, and soar! This will be amazing for my soul and the stories I'll get to tell! I can't wait!

With this on the horizon, it makes everything worth it. It'll all be worth it. I'm going to live the life I want to live, and experience the world the way I want to experience it. I am taking all the conversations I've had, all the worried thoughts, the stressful weeks, and the fights...into this very moment. Breathe in...breathe out...let it float away, the stress is gone. Life is good.

Let the countdown begin.