"Anything on your mind today?"

Sometimes, as I sit and sip on my tea (we've established I'm a tea-holic if you're just now joining in on my blog), I find myself digging deep to determine, what's on my mind...

My boyfriend and I ask each other frequently, “Anything on your mind today?”

While most of the time our minds are pretty quiet and content, sometimes there are those profound thoughts that do find their way to the surface. I like that we openly talk about what's on our minds, because it makes the communication between us, all the better, and I think it's important for communication to be the best it can be in any situation in life. I guess...that's one of my thoughts today. – – Sometimes, life is so hectic...it can cause communication to fall and trouble's can form between people, co-workers, or even family. As long as we're aware of ourselves and stress levels, things tend to work out fine. I digress...

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What is on my mind today...?

Every morning I wake up, open up the curtains, and thank God that I see the sun. I'm even more happy when I can catch the sunrise...how gorgeous they always are!! As I head into work, I immediately check my email and begin my daily routine of radio shows and gathering news. This morning I came across an email that has caused me to ponder the topic of “relationships.”

Now, most of the time...I admit, I'll delete half the emails in my inbox, because they don't relate to one, the area that the radio station is located; two, they're plain old junk; or three it's not news. Today, an email talking about Bestselling author Hellen Chen came across my desk. She's the author of a recent book titled, “Hellen Chen's Love Seminar,” and she is a relationship expert. The book describes that dating longer before marriage does not always lead to a happy marriage.

That idea caught my eye, because like everyone else (or the majority), I do want to get married and I do want to have a family. Her book reveals that “85 percent of dating ends up in breakups and dating longer does not always mean a more stable and happier marriage”, because in reality...you just can't guarantee that things will work out. Even if you've “dated someone for six or eight years before marriage”, she says that she's “seen many singles delay marital commitment in order to 'make sure' the person in front of them is the right one.”

I've seen this too. Whether it be my own family or friends, sometimes despite how long you date, it just doesn't make it to marriage, and that's really sad. Especially, if you grow to love your cousin's or friend's significant other...

Hellen Chen also states in her book (although I don't own it...), and this is still all in the email, that, “the unwillingness to fully commit opens the door for an eventual breakup, and most people who only date and don't commit will end up separating with their partners.” It sounds like a pretty interesting read if you ask me, and maybe it's because I'm actually with someone who I see a future with and who sees a future with me. I'm not just dating to date anymore, I'm dating for a future. I'm dating, because I genuinely want a happy ending in life too. Her book also dives into people's thoughts. Perhaps the way they view dating, relationships, or... “selecting a partner” and that too is an interesting thought.

I've dated so many people over the years and I found myself time and time again like Charlotte in Sex and the City, where she expressed in one episode how she's been dating since she was 15-years-old and was exhausted, because she still hadn't found, “the one.” The screams of, “WHERE IS HE?!” ring in my head, like yesterday...because I know these thoughts ring true to many.

The thought of there even being a smart way to “select a partner” is emotionally exhausting, not to mention financially tough...and you know what? There's not a right way in that. Part of it is your own self, part of it is the want and determination of your significant other, and part of it (I believe) is God's Will. Hellen Chen periodically hosts seminars on these topics (so the email said), and in the end...once someone realizes the “feeling of settling down in marriage, that can be the world of difference.” That will demolish any surreal mindset of any relationship where one is dating with no goal in mine.

One of the people Hellen Chen talks to in her book says, “If you want the real thing, don't waste your time dating someone who does not share your idea of commitment.” OMG!! EPIPHANY!! – What a concept. I will admit, I've been in similar situations like that before in the past...where I totally liked the guy so much more than he liked me; or where I wanted commitment and he just wanted someone to make-out with. Whatever the situation, this statement truly does ring true, and should be considered...if you're still looking for “the one.”

Despite the many different ways to approach a relationship...and although it's nice to know the person's background or profile before you tentatively and cautiously move into a “possible” relationship with this said person...the rate of divorce is increasing globally nevertheless.

Divorce is not a bad thing...although throughout time it was frowned upon and disliked...sometimes you really can't control the circumstances that cause divorce. I'm blessed that my parents are still together, going strong for 38 years and counting. My mom's were together for around 40 years or longer...before my grandpa died. My dad's parents have been together...for I don't know how long...and my aunts and uncles on my dad's side are still happily married as well. Divorce has hit my uncles on my mom's side, but it's not bad thing. It just happens sometimes, and although I hope it doesn't happen between who I marry and myself, at the same time, it's just an unknown. It's in “unknown” in any relationship...and that's a scary thought for me.

Hellen Chen has a possible resolution, and at least it helps put my mind at ease, because it gives me something else to think about. Her thought is simply this, “People change.” That's a given, whether you know someone well, give it five or ten years, and they've changed. Everyone changes, and it's a constant. I mean, I'm definitely not that 18-year-old college freshman anymore (which we've determined in previous posts), and you're not the same college student yourself. People change habits, behaviors, even hobbies...and “rather than focusing on who the right partner may be, why not work on learning how to manage changes and thus make a marriage lasting and satisfying.” Yeah, why not?! Hellen Chen's concept of “learning how to manage changes” has got me pondering that. How do you even do that? What...? Manage what? – – Ultimately...I've determined this...I will be the best partner I can be to my significant other.

I want to embrace the changes that we'll go through, and I want to learn to remain as much in love as the first time, “I love you,” was said. I was talking to a good friend of mine about married life, and how she's liked it so far. Although, still early in their years together (she's only been married for three years at this point), but she gave me a thought, and this email based thought also made me think about her thought as well.

She said, “Divorce is not on the table for us. Once we determined that divorce was not an option for us, ever, it really changed how we communicate. It changes how you fight, it changes how you make up, and it changes how you communicate with each other. It truly makes the world of difference, because you're learning in these early years to build a foundation where divorce isn't even in the equation.”

Wow...right? I heard her say that and I remember thinking, “Whoa... I guess it would change things that way.” She and her husband have such a sweet love for each other. It truly is a beautiful sight to see; how he surprises her with flowers sometimes or the way he looks at her. That hasn't changed from day one. He still looks at her with such love and care, with such utter happiness, that he's “her one.” It's really beautiful, and I'm so blessed that the wedding's I've been to for my friends...that they're still all together. Seeing the love and happiness around me makes me hopeful and confirms that I too will have that some day. I have very wise friends, and I love them all so very much.

While talking with my friend about her first three years of marriage, I also asked her, “how did you know he was 'the one' for you?” … after a pause she said, “Jenn, that was something I struggled with throughout our relationship, before marriage was even an idea. It was hard for me to determine, because it was a huge decision for me. Marriage is a one time thing for me, and I wanted to be sure he was the one I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with.”

I nodded my head in agreeing and expressed, “Oh, marriage is a one time thing for me too! Definitely!”

And she went on saying, “I just had to commit. It wasn't until he proposed and I said, 'yes' that I really knew he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. I think it took him wanting to be my husband, and him proposing, for me to officially be okay with, and letting myself accept the idea of marrying him. I just committed, and it's been the best decision I've made yet.”

An interesting thought...for sure; and isn't the thought of the whole email I've been referencing, saying the same thing? Well, yeah...basically. It all comes back to Hellen Chen's advice, “If you want the real thing, don't waste your time dating someone who does not share your idea of commitment.” Isn't that what my friend basically said too? She “just committed.” When her husband proposed and showed his “commitment,” she too “committed herself” to a life together.

Hmm...this makes me smile. I'm smiling, because I'm happy; happy with a really incredible man. Despite what the future does bring, which is the “mystery of life,” I'm happy. I'm happy that at this moment in time, we're committed to each other and we share the commitment. We share the goal of the future and we share a love for each other...we share something that is real. We're both not “dating to date” anymore, and that's refreshing. I'm so happy to be in a relationship that is “real” and where we share a mutual feelings on all aspects. We support each other in all we do and we want the best for the other person. We talk about and express what's on our minds, and we continue to communicate about everything and share that open communication in every situation. Everything is so mutual, I've never experienced anything like this before.

I truly do love him. I'll shout it from mountain tops, “I love you.” <3