My
mind is flooded with so many thoughts today... They've been seeping
in and staying for a couple weeks now, and I just want them gone;
thought of difficult decisions, analyzing every possibility, all
hoping to come to a solid conclusion.
No
matter how much I analyze...there is never really a conclusion... Not
in my head anyway. Regardless of what people think, we all have our
own minds and it takes everyone their own time to decide on things.
What has got me so distressed? …. If only I knew.
I
gave notice at my job a week ago today, and I'm excited to be
leaving. I'm excited to travel, and I'm excited for what is to come;
the new adventures, memories, experiences, and opportunities.
Let
me try to list out what I'm pondering...
- What will I do for my next job?
- Where will my next job opportunity take me?
- Do I follow career or love? – Can't I have both?
- Do I have to choose...?
- I don't want to say goodbye to people, and leave where my heart is happiest... exploring the mountains, breathing in the crisp air, waking up to deer and bunnies in my yard, hiking along beautiful trails and smelling the scent of vanilla or butterscotch of the ponderosa pine trees....
- Why am I having a hard time budging?? – There is so much in the world to see and explore!!
- I am having the hardest time thinking about leaving/moving away from my parents... WHY!? They're my parents...they will always love me...
- Am I secretly holding myself back? – Am I the cause of my own boggled mind?
- How can I see my future if I don't even have a solid clear picture of it? – Yeah...I have daydreams and snapshots of what I hope my future will look like, but I honestly have always hard a hard time “seeing” my future in general. I just tend to forget the past and not worry about the future...content with knowing everything will happen as it happens...
- With no concrete images of my future...I can't live being scared. – I think...I've just started thinking hard about my future, because the one I love wants me to move to Tucson, Arizona...which I'm sincerely and genuinely thinking about...(thus why my head is so overwhelmed.) For most people it's an easy decision, but I'm not most people...I haven't ever lived out of state. I do not “change” well...I feel like it took me a whole year of college, before I felt like, “I'm in college.” And...I feel like I'm just not settling into the Fort Morgan, and I'm about to move...
- Change...the scary reality that is life. If we don't change, we don't grow. If we don't grow, we're boring....we're stuck in a bubble bouncing around an ever-changing world.
- Why??? WHY can't I be more open to change?!
- Am I afraid that as much as I want Andrew to be the one I marry...it'll turn out to be false? – Maybe...Aren't we all worried about who we love one day waking up, and choosing not to be with us anymore? WE CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT!! I CAN'T THINK LIKE THAT!! I need to trust...trust that everything will be okay. I need to trust God, and allow him to guide me down a path that is “His Will.” I need to trust MYSELF!
- I need to toss aside the worries and doubts. I need to focus on what is true! What brought us together! Why I love him. Why I want to spend my life with him. I must never forget my past...but I must see what has been going on in my present. I must let these events to continue to “change” me...so that I may be a stronger, braver, bolder, more confident future Jenn! I must focus on the beautiful memories we have right now.
- Don't I want more of those wonderful moments?!?! YES!!! YES, I DO!!! – Then let it happen Jenn!
JUMP
SO THAT YOU MAY SOAR!!!
I
want to soar. I want to fly as high as the stars. I want to see
them glistening and shining...sparkling with hope and dreams. I want
to soar and be free. I want to soar....everyday of my life.
…realistically,
yes anything can happen. Anything can change. Anything can go from
perfectly happy to dreadfully sad. There will be days where you want
to disappear and be invisible. There will be days where the fear is overwhelmingly crippling. We can't live in fear. I CAN'T LIVE IN
FEAR! ….
These
feelings and thoughts are what I find on my mind...whenever something
huge happens... Deciding to quit my job, deciding to travel, getting
a cat, deciding to sell Mary Kay....and now with the option to
move...it all floods back in...
I
said the other night, “I feel like I'm free falling...falling
without a parachute.”
And...it's
true. So much has been on my mind that I can't even make sense of
things anymore. I don't even know what thought is mine, and what
thought is there from the influence of someone or something else. I
have been talking to my parents, my friends...and each have so many
different opinions on everything... At the end of the day, all that
matters is me, and what I want.
What
do I want?
I
want to continue to love my life. I want to continue to find the joy
and happiness in every moment, discover the hidden miracles. I want
to live my life with those who I love, and who love me. I want to do
what I want, when I want, and I want to not feel judged or fear that
I'm going to disappoint anyone. I must remember...It's my life, not
yours.
…oh,
man...Bon Jovi rings out loud and clear now with one of my power
songs... “...IT'S MY LIFE! IT'S NOW OR NEVER! I AIN'T GONNA LIVE
FOREVER! I JUST WANT TO LIVE WHILE I'M ALIVE!...”
It's
my life, not yours.
I
may be feeling slightly better now, than at the beginning of this
post...and while I still haven't decided anything, I know the root of
the matter is the changes of life...and accepting that change in
inevitable. It's going to happen, whether we want it to or not. I
probably feel overwhelmed, because it feels like it's happening all
at once. But...hey! When it rains, it pours.
Change
represents the new chapters of our lives, and our lives are
unwritten...so we need to accept the moments of change, and write our
own new chapters. We need to write our futures. We need to write
who we want there with us, and what we want to see. Yes, God has a
plan for each of us, and yes, He will guide us, but we still have a
say. We still have a choice.
…now
a line from Joy Luck Club flashes in my head... My character Rose
Hsu, in the play went through a lot, and I related to her a lot.
Honest. She was someone who found herself in a loveless marriage,
where Ted (her husband) and her...lost their love. They worried more
about splitting the cost of a pint of ice cream than their love for
each other. Rose just took it. She just accepted that this was her
life...a life of no love, no joy, no happiness...she let Ted walk all
over her, until the day she realized she had a choice.
“We
always have a choice.” A line so eloquently spoken by her mother in
the play.
Words
that she thought were lost, but in those words she found her strength
and her voice. My favorite POWER scene in the play was when Ted
serves her with divorce papers. Shocked, as she was...Rose found her
voice!!
He
begins mumbling about something, and she cuts him off and says, “I'M
NOT A WEED TED! You can't just pull me out of your life and throw me away!!”
A
moment in the play where she realizes, she'd rather weed out the bad
to welcome the good. Rose who lacked the Chinese element of wood,
found her strength to embrace the change and embrace her own CHOICES!
She became strong once again.
I
am reminded of Rose Hsu in Joy Luck Club. I am reminded that I
too...may have lost wood. I must find my voice again. Thank you
Rose, for being a complex character...thank you for teaching me
through your words.
Let's
recap.
- It's my life, not yours.
- Change happens.
- We always have a choice.
- I'm not a weed!! – I have a voice.
The
conclusion? …. I know that I have a choice and that I need to stand
strong, to accept the change, and that it's my life. No matter what
I choose, those who love me will still love me, and although not
everyone will be happy, one thing is true. I will be.
