I Am 'Unwritten'

Today, the sun is shining and there isn't a cloud in the sky! An absolutely gorgeous day. I've been working diligently, and I have found moments where my mind wanders...filling itself up with daydreams and happy conversations as scenarios play out. It's interesting to think about the mind...how complex it truly is and how much it can remember; from the smallest details to the most complex of mathematical equations. It's like a filing cabinet filled with countless files of memories, senses, and emotions; music and books, likes and dislikes, the list goes on.

This last weekend, my family and I went to Boston, Massachusetts for the first time, and my mom's mom (my grandma) came with us. My mom and her brothers all went in together to pay for my grandma's trip as a birthday present for her 83^rd birthday. She's an amazing woman, and I love her dearly. I'm very much like my grandma, and I am blessed to be able to see the similarities. I can't even express how alike we are!!

Boston was a blast, because we saw so much history, and that city in general is filled with a rich past. My mom planned the trip and all the tours we went on, and while I did have fun, we still had our moments of arguing and disappointment or feeling stressed and unhappy...I was just glad to have a weekend away from work and the daily grind. I would have liked to explore Salem more in depth, or spend a day on a boat whale watching...but maybe next time. My point?...is I realized on this trip, how excited I am for the trip I've been planning. I realized more on this trip, than on past trips, how different we all are. I'm sure my dad would have liked to see things that my mom didn't want to see or how I would have liked to see things that maybe my family wouldn't have wanted to do. It just made me excited that I'm planning my own thing, and that gives me something to look forward to.

While in Boston, we saw so many things! From the Bunker Hill Monument to Paul Revere's House; the Massachusetts coast to the House of Seven Gables, and even where Samuel Adams was buried...one night I went out to dinner and to see an improv show with my friend Sarah, a friend of mine from my UNC days. Well, she's been living in Boston the last four years, because she got accepted into Emerson College for graduate school, and now works in town there. I was excited to see Sarah, because it's been years and we've been planning to meet up for quite some time.

Saturday night comes and I say, “I'm going to meet Sarah for dinner and we're going to see an improv show at a theatre she used to work at! So, I'll be back around midnight.”

My mom was like, “Okay, great! Is she picking you up?”

“No,” I said “I'm going to meet her at the theatre. She said she can tell me how to walk there, or I can take a taxi or subway.”

Suddenly my mom got, what felt like to me, mad...or “worried,” and she said, “You can't go walking out there by yourself! Do you know how bad you are with directions? You'll get lost! She better just come pick you up! She has a car right?!”

Calmly I said, “Uh, yeah, but she's parked already. It's easier for me to just meet her somewhere.” While I've been talking, I forgot to mention that I was talking to Sarah on the phone the whole time. She was telling me which way to go from the hotel to meet her and trying to give me directions, all while hearing my mom in the background...and making me feel quite embarrassed. “She's trying to give me directions. I can't listen to you and her at the same time! 'Sorry Sarah'...” I say as I try to return to the call. Ultimately I think I heard enough directions to just escape. So I leave.

Walking out of the hotel I was so upset, one for how my mom was reacting and two for Sarah overhearing it all... I leave the hotel and I start walking. We decided to meet at a Chipotle in the theatre district, and me...being frazzled...I went the wrong way for a few blocks, before I realized I needed to turn around. After another call to Sarah, I was finally on my way, and made it there in no time! – – I just...while walking, I found myself freaking out. I'm still in the U.S. and I got lost! I found myself looking at my map frantically and using the GPS on my phone, because I couldn't remember what Sarah said for directions...my mind was still racing with the comments my mom said, and the fact that I felt like maybe I was making a huge mistake. The mistake of planning a trip, where I'll be in a totally different country...lost; or feeling like I'll be lost the whole time, frazzled, worried, and overwhelmed. However, I snapped myself out of it, and was like, “Jenn, you're here! You've got to get to Sarah, and you need to just walk.” So...I did, and I was fine, but...those feelings still bothered me.

Overall the trip was nice, and on the flight home I was just processing the experience and everything that happened...but I couldn't shake the feelings of how “incapable” I felt. Which is totally bollocks! I'm very much capable! I know I am! I kept trying to remind myself of one of my previous posts...telling myself, “You're a strong woman! You're smart, independent, and very much capable of anything and everything, especially traveling!” – – It just...hurt my feelings, the doubt and sadness that crept into my head. I don't know, let's just say that this Boston trip opened my eyes to what I need to be aware of when I travel myself.

When I went into work Tuesday (yesterday), I turned on the radio and one of my favorite girl power songs was on. “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield. I love her!! I truly relate to so many of her songs, and I just love her musical style!! AH! If I could see her and Ellie Goulding in concert I pretty much would be in Heaven! (Both are British singers p.s.) Anyway...as I took a moment to listen to the song, it reminded me of how I live my life. How, I'm the writer of my own story! “The pen's in my hand, ending unplanned, starting at the blank page” before me. Letting “the sun illuminate the words” that I “could not find, reaching for something in the distance, so close” I can “almost taste it.” This song...is truly an anthem to my life, and it was almost like ,God was telling me to relax, breathe, and stay calm; to “release my inhibitions” and to live my life with my “arms wide open.” The words, soaking into my head, and making me feel so much better! I may “break tradition” or “make mistakes,” which we all do...but I know that I am perfectly fine! This is where my “book begins, the rest is still unwritten.” (You can see the lyrics and music video below.)

"Unwritten"

By Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

Link to video – “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7k0a5hYnSI

Like I said above, “This is where my 'book begins, the rest is still unwritten.'” It's true! Granted...I've been writing my book for quite some time, it's a nice reminder every now and then. You're not supposed to know what's going to happen next; just like with every book, you can't know the story or the ending before you've read it.

This journey that I'll experience in six-ish months, will be phenomenal. Aside, from missing those I care about, I'm excited to see the Northern Lights and Stonehenge, the Globe Theatre and the Cliffs of Moher...I'm looking forward to what's “unwritten.”

* * “I am unwritten, the pens in my hand, ending unplanned...” * *