Goodbye...

Today my mind has been flooded with thoughts of “goodbye's”, and no...I'm not going anywhere.

I've always had a hard time saying goodbye, and even now...they get me so emotional. I don't like saying goodbye to people at all, and in recent years I have tried to avoid it... I currently live in Fort Morgan, Colorado. I love the town and the people, my job, my apartment, and Franke's Coffee...one of my favorite hang outs.

Compared to where I lived before in southeastern Colorado, Fort Morgan has been a true blessing. I don't ever want to think about my time in Lamar (that's where I lived while I worked at my first broadcasting job). Lamar was...miserable. A 4.2 square mile town and maybe 7,000 people...I found it incredibly hard to make friends, meet people, and feel involved. Most days I would wake up, go to work, the gym, and go home. The gym, which I usually love...I hated there. I found myself feeling very isolated, depressed...sad, leaving work and finding myself in tears by the time I got home. It didn't help that my boss was not too kind and was very condenscnending. She definitely abused her “power” and caused me to lose all confidence in myself. Needless to say, I was only in Lamar for...maybe five months...I didn't last long. When I moved I never felt happier to leave. I didn't say goodbye to anyone. I just quit one day, and that was it. As scary as it was to quit, it was rewarding to know that I wouldn't be in that environment anymore. I removed all traces of anything on my Facebook, blocked certain people, and wrote one single status, “Just a memory.” It is just a memory; a memory I want to forget. As I drove out of that town, I said in my car, “Goodbye Lamar. I hope to never see you again.”

Fort Morgan is a completely different story! I will gladly go back and visit. I'd love to! One because I have friends that I want to keep in touch with, but two, because I sincerely enjoy my time here. I don't miss Lamar. I know I'll miss Fort Morgan.

What I've realized lately is that I've mentally been preparing myself to say, “goodbye” or to leave and move, for quite some time. I just...haven't told anyone around me. Now, maybe they suspect or sense it, but I've never expressed any unhappiness or ill feelings towards anyone. I genuinely love the people, my friends, my job!...I love it all, but I just feel...it's time for me to spread my wings a little bit. (Which, you've read in previous posts.) I know that I need to move on.

This last weekend was the Christmas play at Fort Morgan United Methodist Church. What a joy it has been to meet the people of that church. Granted...I went to only one service there...the people are as welcoming as my parents church in Englewood. The Methodist have a “Open Arms, Open Hearts, Open Doors” mantra...and I love it, nondenominational, we welcome everyone and anyone of any faith or background. I'm thankful for the Fort Morgan United Methodist Church. I'm thankful for the many people I've met through the Drama Ministry, and I'm thankful for their continued open arms! I will miss them. During Saturday night's performance of “In Light of the Natvitity” by Terri Dill, I used it as a goodbye. Mentally, I was saying goodbye to acting at the church, goodbye to the cast, and really holding on to the memories of the night. Granted...none of them know my plans to move, and neitehr do my friends here in Fort Morgan... I just, don't know how to tell people. I'm kind of one of those, people who doesn't want to cause any sadness or pain. I don't want people sad, so I feel like if I just disappear, no one will be hurt. I know that's not true. Everyone will feel in their own ways, and I just need to say goodbye. When I come to conclusions that I know are right, but don't want to accept...then I tend to say, “I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.” A fault of mine I know...and I've become more and more aware of it. I'm working on not pushing things aside, and to just deal with it and get it out of the way. “Goodbyes” are just hard for me, no matter what.

Allow me to say goodbye...

Goodbye Franke's Coffee, I will always remember the days of reading or journaling, and how your chais are pretty tastey, but how the last gulp is practically all spices...haha.

Goodbye Ole' Solo Mio, your Italian food is utterly amazing...and in this case, I know that if I come up to visit, I'll be stopping by to say, “Hello.”

Goodbye Morgan Lanes, for the last couple years that you've been open while I've been here, I thank you for giving me some entertainment. Events through Roots Group, and memories with friends. Thank you.

Goodbye to Morgan Community College (MCC), and thank you for letting me feel involved in the arts! The Center for Arts and Community Enrichment (CACE) Committee has been enjoyable. All coming together to bring arts to Fort Morgan, has been great. I just wish, and hope you choose to bring more dance and theatre to the community. Enough with the band concerts and other musical bands...all you seem to do is bands and choirs...which I like, but...you need more theatre and dance. You need more variety. Thank you though, for allowing me to feel like I'm involved in my passion.

Goodbye to the School for Performing Arts (SPA), and thank you for welcoming into the MCC Morgan County Chorale. Thank you for the last four concerts and two years of fun. Singing every Thursday. I certainly will miss Tertia and the whole choir...you all are so wonderful, and the fun we all have. May we please remain friends.

Goodbye to Little Bamboo! I sadly will miss your Panang Curry! Thank you for having decent Chinese Food! The other two restaurants in this town...are so bad, but your food is actually pretty good. Thank you.

Goodbye to the Cover 4 Theatre. I will miss you. For a 12,000 person town, your theatre is wonderful. Thank you for all the wonderful movies, and all the girls nights I had with Leah and Chelsea (before they both got married). I can close my eyes and see myself watching, “Divergent,” “Pitch Perfect 2,” “Insurgent,” and...so many others! I just wish some of your popular movies stayed longer than a week or two...

Goodbye to City Hall, I will not miss you. Those council meetings were torture, but I still learned a lot. I will be glad to move on though, to let someone else sit in on those meetings...

Goodbye to the Fort Morgan Administrative Building...and goodbye to commissioner meetings. Most of the time, those were fine...quick and easy, to the point... I will miss the friendly faces I've seen for the past (almost three years) weekly.

Goodbye to the District Support Center and goodbye to school board meetings. Although interesting...I will be glad to not have to cover those meetings anymore.

Goodbye to City Park in Downtown Fort Morgan. I truly will miss you. I can close my eyes and see summer of BobStock music festivals and Christmas Capital of the Plains events. I see lawn chairs on top of lawn chairs as people gather for summer concerts in the park. Thank you for being the heart of my time here, for giving me some memorable memories. Despite the hard work that always occurred, those memories will always remain in my heart.

Goodbye to Morgan County Roots Group. Thank you for being there whenI moved here...knowing only one person in the whole town, you were my lifeline. You've introduced me to my Fort Morgan friends, and to some amazing great times. Wine tastings, beer tasting, Halloween Parties, Ugly Christmas Swaeater Parties, and so much more! I will come visit if I can!

Goodbye to Fort Morgan United Methodist Church. I will sincerely miss all of you. The Drama Ministry, although...not what I'm used to for acting, was really nice for my time here. I am thankful for being involved and for you welcoming me. They've been good experiences. I'm thankful for your love while I've been here.

Goodbye to Media Logic Radio. I know I've not said when I'm leaving yet, and in my head...I know when that day will be. Thank you for welcoming me in 2013...with smiles and excitement. Thank you for being the answer to my prayers and for offering me this amazing job. I truly have learned so much, and I am forever thankful. Thank you for the memories. I definitely will come visit. You all will always remain in my heart.

Goodbye to my apartment, goodbye to the awesome fireplace, rooftop patio, and elevator. So may memories of my first “real” place on my own. Thank you for the amazing memories I've had with my family and friends. Thank you for being the place where I discovered more of my own self, the place where I decided to travel abroad, the place where I started raising a cat. Thank you for being the apartment where I grew as a person, and where a lot of soul searching occurred.

Goodbye to my friends and co-workers. This isn't really goodbye...I'm sorry if I don't get to tell you goodbye, but I am thankful for your impacts on my life. I will always remember you.

Goodbye to Fort Morgan. Goodbye to the amazing people. Goodbye to the town. I'll be back to visit, but I know this is what I need to do right now. Thank you for being the start of my career.

Thank you to God, for answering my prayers, and for bringing me to Fort Morgan. Thank you for guiding me and for being a constant light in my life.

….I know it's not really a goodbye, but I hope this post acts like one. A way for me to express my feelings, and for me to express the sadness that sometimes can come with saying, “goodbye.”

There are moments where I feel like I belong here...but those are out numbered by the feelings of awkwardness...the feelings of, “I don't belong here,” the “I don't feel like anyone likes me,” and the “They don't really want me here” moments....

As much as I do like being here...I just sense that it's time for me to go. It's time for me to move on to a bigger market, and try new things. My teachers are telling me to move on as well, and I need to move on before I get too comfortable. Forgive me for not being too outgoing, or if I seemed like I didn't want to be here. Please forgive me for not getting too rooted...I mentioned it before, I just wanted to make it easier for me...to leave, and for that I'm sorry. Thank you.

Goodbye.

Today's fortune cookie fortune (really is):

“ Your good looks and journalistic skill will bring you great fourtune.”

A look at what will be.

Here's to the new chapter. “Hello.”

Hello World!

Today, is December 1, 2015, and as the year comes to an end, I find myself in a reflective state. Each December, I find myself looking through my photo album of the year, or photos on my Facebook. Looking back over the snapshots of the year, realizing... “Wow, a lot has happened...” always has me feeling a bit sad that the year is ending, but also excited for what's to come.

Recently, I've began two new adventures.

MARY KAY

I've recently started selling Mary Kay. I know!! I know!! You're thinking, “Jenn?! Really?! Of all the things...you succumbed to the never ending inquiring from others to sell Mary Kay?!” And...yes. Yes, I have. HOWEVER! It's definitely more than you think. I truly believe the timing was finally right to give it a try, and come on, where would you be in life if you didn't give things a try? You know me! I'm the type of person who will try everything once. Life...is meant to be lived and sometimes, it's through these challenges that we discover more about ourselves.

I've been using Mary Kay products for years! I was 11-years-old when I first started their skin care lines! At the time they sold Velocity. It was a skin care line for young preteens and teenagers. Now they've since done away with the line, and there are many other skin care lines that can meet anyone's skin care needs. I started using Mary Kay, because...well, it worked. As I got older, I changed to various other lines, and have added other products into my skin care process.

It only seemed natural that after...say, 16 years, I may know a thing or two myself. Honestly, starting to sell Mary Kay, has been scary. I'm not the type of person to “sell” things. I've worked in retail yes, and I've sold Girl Scout cookies...but this is totally different. In a way, I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm challenging myself to meet new people, approach new people, and to talk to new people. I challenge myself to express how much I do love my skin, and how much caring for our skin is so important. I am challenging myself to learn new skills, and I like it. I can't be my introverted self all the time. I can be outgoing, extroverted, and I'm excited to be.

I know the products, I know Mary Kay...I know I can succeed, and WILL!

My parents are sort of supportive, but at the same time, they're not, and it's more inspiration and more determination to PROVE them wrong. I know I need to learn my own wording, and discover the ways that work for me, but I believe that I can do this.

If you're reading this, and would like to find out more about Mary Kay yourself and the products, visit: www.marykay.com/jso129 for more information.

CDOT

I've also recently started working for the Colorado Department of Transportation (CDOT), on a radio show that they're doing through a campaign to help change the peak drive time of those heading to and coming home from the mountains. It's a really neat initiative.

The press release is below:

On-The-Go I-70 Travel Information Is Back
Mountain Travel Radio Provides Live Traffic and Travel Updates Through COtrip.org

STATEWIDE — As part of its Change Your Peak Drive winter driving education campaign, the Colorado Department of Transportation (CDOT) is expanding its live streaming Mountain Travel Radio service on COtrip.org, providing motorists with the most accurate and up-to-date travel information, road conditions and more. The live broadcast will regularly air on Friday afternoons, Saturday and Sunday mornings and afternoons, and on holiday Mondays, but with Thanksgiving being a major travel holiday, Mountain Travel Radio will do a special broadcast this afternoon, Wednesday, Nov. 25 as an anticipated 40,000 vehicles travel the corridor.

With major changes on to the Mountain Corridor, namely the implementation of the Traction Law and the launch of the I-70 Mountain Express Lane, Mountain Travel Radio will be a key communications avenue for I-70 travelers to learn up-to-the-minute road conditions directly from Jim Hudson, Nia Bender and Jennifer So, who will report live from CDOT’s Traffic Operations Center each weekend.

“Conditions along the I-70 Mountain Corridor change extremely quickly, and doing a live broadcast is one of the best ways to inform motorists and keep them updated with the most accurate info,” said Amy Ford, Director of Communications for CDOT. “Mountain Travel Radio is the best distraction-free resource available to motorists — once you tune in on COtrip.org you can expect to hear regular travel updates, event information, special Peak Time Deals and more.”

Listeners can tune in to the live broadcasts through COtrip.org by clicking the “On-Air” button.

Kicking off the mountain travel season with a live broadcast tonight, Mountain Travel Radio will normally broadcast every Friday afternoon from 4-7 p.m., Saturdays from 6:30-9:30 a.m. and 4-7 p.m., and Sundays from 6:30-9:30 a.m. and 2-7 p.m. throughout the winter, coinciding with peak travel times along I-70. For the two popular long weekends in January and February, Mountain Travel Radio will broadcast on those holiday Mondays from 12-4 p.m.

Content will include live updates on the rapidly changing I-70 road, weather and traffic conditions, as well as information about Traction Laws, the I-70 Mountain Express Lane and more. In addition, Mountain Travel Radio will provide information on events at ski resorts and mountain towns, along with Peak Time Deals — discounts for motorists who choose to stay off I-70 during the busiest travel times and instead enjoy deals on recreation, lodging and dining throughout the Mountain Corridor.

Jim Hudson and Nia Bender are returning from last season to host the broadcasts, bringing with them more than 50 years of combined radio and TV experience. Hudson is a freelance voice talent and a 25 year broadcast veteran, with 15 of those years reporting traffic on TV in Denver. Bender is a news anchor at NewsRadio 850 KOA and owner of The 4th-Estate, offering media services in the radio and TV industry. With expanded hours, Mountain Travel Radio will feature a third host this year — Jennifer So. So has four years experience with radio broadcasting, including her current show “On the Go with Jenn So” in Fort Morgan.

“Last year, we saw major success with Mountain Travel Radio, one time reaching 40 percent of I-70 travelers,” said Hudson. “We hope this service continues to be valuable resource for mountain travelers to stay informed and know what’s ahead.”

CDOT’s Mountain Travel Radio is part of the Change Your Peak Drive campaign, which works to improve the I-70 Mountain Corridor by encouraging mountain travelers to change not only the time they drive, but also how they drive. Through public education and strategic partnerships, CDOT works to give motorists the tools they need to be winter ready and know the resources they have for I-70 information. To learn more about the campaign and winter driving tips, visit winter.codot.gov.

I'm totally stoked to be joining my teachers once again, and to be embarking on a new adventure career wise as well. This could lead to many other opportunities, and although I don't know where I'll end up...I've got a foot back in Denver, which is great!! (We all know, from previous posts, that I'm looking for something news. I'm ready for a bigger market.)

While this is just a seasonal thing, I'm going to give my all to it. I'm going to do all that I can to make an impact, and maybe...maybe this will lead to other adventures as well. I know...I'll be super busy, but I'm totally okay with that. I don't mind, because it's all so exciting!

As I drift back to my reflective state, I find myself thanking God for this year. All the weddings of family and friends, the moments spent embracing the beauty of life...I close my eyes and see a flash of scenes play through my head. It makes me smile. I find myself even more sentimental than normal, holding on to the memories...slightly afraid to bid 2015 ado; but in those moments of uncertainty and apprehension, I look forward what 2016 will bring.

Here's to the New Year! Here's to continued love! Here's to family and friends, happiness and joy!! Here's to everything that makes life exciting!! Here's to future me and future you!! Embrace it!! 2016 will be amazing...I just know it will be!

ps...

My trip is officially 107 days away!

                                                           HELLO WORLD!!

                                                                                           I'm coming for you!!

Come Away With Me...

Have you ever experienced a moment where the world stops? Where all is quiet, and all that is and will be is that single moment?

Well, I've experienced moments like this periodically throughout my life, and most of the time they occur on stage. I'm so focused and in the moment, in the scene, that the audience disappears. It's just me, and my cast mates portraying the work in its truest form.

I recently experienced a different kind of moment...at a friends wedding. This moment was so serene and magical...simply perfect and lovely.

Let me take you there.

The day is Saturday, October 10, 2015. The sun is shining, the sky is clear, not a cloud in it, and I'm in Longmont, Colorado. I felt a little rushed in the beginning to make it there in time, but when I arrived it was breath taking. Andrew was there, and I was so excited to celebrate the wedding of two amazing people with him. I got out of the car, and looked at the beautiful Lone Hawk Ranch, where the wedding was being held; sprawling fields, Aspen trees reflecting the Fall colors, and a beautiful ranch tucked away, hidden among the trees.

I see Andrew, and smile as he grasps my hand. We walk, taking in the day. As we sat and enjoyed the vows, sitting with a couple other friends, my mind is clear. I was so happy! Granted, weddings usually are, but for the first time I was experiencing this day with someone I care deeply about. My friends Emily and Michael decided to exchange their own vows, which always makes me tear up, and as they did so...I remember thinking, “How beautiful it is to be loved like that.” Listening to how Michael expressed his words for Emily and Emily for Michael, sharing their promises was beautiful. They truly have a deep bond, and I'm so happy that they are spending their lives together.

If you can find someone who makes you happy, then that's all that matters.

As the day moved on, I felt more and more happy. Andrew was there for every moment of it, and to top it off? He danced with me! That was so sweet. The moment that I want to tell you about was the moment that we were dancing to, “Come Away with Me” by Norah Jones.

The lyrics are below:

"Come Away With Me"

By Norah Jones

Come away with me in the night
Come away with me
And I will write you a song

Come away with me on a bus
Come away where they can't tempt us
With their lies

I want to walk with you
On a cloudy day
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high
So won't you try to come

Come away with me and we'll kiss
On a mountaintop
Come away with me
And I'll never stop loving you

And I want to wake up with the rain
Falling on a tin roof
While I'm safe there in your arms
So all I ask is for you
To come away with me in the night
Come away with me

View the song on YouTube at – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QKEuOO0lQPc

As we danced...it was such a beautiful moment. Andrew and I don't get to see each other often, because we live in different states, but when we do...I hang on to every moment that I can, treasuring them and holding them tightly in my heart. For one, I think we have a special connection, but also, we have a stronger appreciation for the other. Not only do we support each other, but we know how special these moments are.

We danced there on the floor, looking into each others' eyes, and moving slowly to the music. I am always moved by music, and this song just tug at my heart strings. Either I was sad that we'd have to say goodbye the next day or I was moved by the beautiful ceremony...regardless...I never felt so happy, than in that moment. I let the song consume me, and suddenly everyone disappeared. It was just us on floor, and as the tears started to fill my eyes, I turned my face so that we were more in an embrace...listening to the lyrics, making a memory. Even writing this...the tears don't seem to want to stay away...

It was in that moment that I realized the love I feel was confirmed...more than before. I love him.

As the song ended Andrew whispers, “Don't be sad my Sweetling, I'm here.”

“I know,” I say, “I am just so happy. I love experiencing this day with you, with our friends.”

Andrew pulls me in for a hug as the next song starts, my breathing becomes deep, as I try to calm myself down...my mind wanders to silent prayers, thanking God for my life and for letting me share it with an amazing soul.

It was that serene and magical moment, that I hope I don't ever forget. A moment of pure love and happiness.

The rest of the night was perfect. I didn't want it to end...but as I type this, I long and look forward to the next moments. Where will our lives take us? What will happen? The questions that you can't really ever answer. Those are the questions that God knows the answers too.

One day...I will walk with Andrew “on a cloudy day, in the fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high.” We will “kiss on a mountaintop” and I will “wake up with the rain falling on a tin roof, while I'm safe there in his arms.” One day we'll go away “in the night” and “I'll never stop loving him.” I confess my feelings, pure and real, true and honest as they are...this is what love feels like.

Come away with me... <3

I Am 'Unwritten'

Today, the sun is shining and there isn't a cloud in the sky! An absolutely gorgeous day. I've been working diligently, and I have found moments where my mind wanders...filling itself up with daydreams and happy conversations as scenarios play out. It's interesting to think about the mind...how complex it truly is and how much it can remember; from the smallest details to the most complex of mathematical equations. It's like a filing cabinet filled with countless files of memories, senses, and emotions; music and books, likes and dislikes, the list goes on.

This last weekend, my family and I went to Boston, Massachusetts for the first time, and my mom's mom (my grandma) came with us. My mom and her brothers all went in together to pay for my grandma's trip as a birthday present for her 83^rd birthday. She's an amazing woman, and I love her dearly. I'm very much like my grandma, and I am blessed to be able to see the similarities. I can't even express how alike we are!!

Boston was a blast, because we saw so much history, and that city in general is filled with a rich past. My mom planned the trip and all the tours we went on, and while I did have fun, we still had our moments of arguing and disappointment or feeling stressed and unhappy...I was just glad to have a weekend away from work and the daily grind. I would have liked to explore Salem more in depth, or spend a day on a boat whale watching...but maybe next time. My point?...is I realized on this trip, how excited I am for the trip I've been planning. I realized more on this trip, than on past trips, how different we all are. I'm sure my dad would have liked to see things that my mom didn't want to see or how I would have liked to see things that maybe my family wouldn't have wanted to do. It just made me excited that I'm planning my own thing, and that gives me something to look forward to.

While in Boston, we saw so many things! From the Bunker Hill Monument to Paul Revere's House; the Massachusetts coast to the House of Seven Gables, and even where Samuel Adams was buried...one night I went out to dinner and to see an improv show with my friend Sarah, a friend of mine from my UNC days. Well, she's been living in Boston the last four years, because she got accepted into Emerson College for graduate school, and now works in town there. I was excited to see Sarah, because it's been years and we've been planning to meet up for quite some time.

Saturday night comes and I say, “I'm going to meet Sarah for dinner and we're going to see an improv show at a theatre she used to work at! So, I'll be back around midnight.”

My mom was like, “Okay, great! Is she picking you up?”

“No,” I said “I'm going to meet her at the theatre. She said she can tell me how to walk there, or I can take a taxi or subway.”

Suddenly my mom got, what felt like to me, mad...or “worried,” and she said, “You can't go walking out there by yourself! Do you know how bad you are with directions? You'll get lost! She better just come pick you up! She has a car right?!”

Calmly I said, “Uh, yeah, but she's parked already. It's easier for me to just meet her somewhere.” While I've been talking, I forgot to mention that I was talking to Sarah on the phone the whole time. She was telling me which way to go from the hotel to meet her and trying to give me directions, all while hearing my mom in the background...and making me feel quite embarrassed. “She's trying to give me directions. I can't listen to you and her at the same time! 'Sorry Sarah'...” I say as I try to return to the call. Ultimately I think I heard enough directions to just escape. So I leave.

Walking out of the hotel I was so upset, one for how my mom was reacting and two for Sarah overhearing it all... I leave the hotel and I start walking. We decided to meet at a Chipotle in the theatre district, and me...being frazzled...I went the wrong way for a few blocks, before I realized I needed to turn around. After another call to Sarah, I was finally on my way, and made it there in no time! – – I just...while walking, I found myself freaking out. I'm still in the U.S. and I got lost! I found myself looking at my map frantically and using the GPS on my phone, because I couldn't remember what Sarah said for directions...my mind was still racing with the comments my mom said, and the fact that I felt like maybe I was making a huge mistake. The mistake of planning a trip, where I'll be in a totally different country...lost; or feeling like I'll be lost the whole time, frazzled, worried, and overwhelmed. However, I snapped myself out of it, and was like, “Jenn, you're here! You've got to get to Sarah, and you need to just walk.” So...I did, and I was fine, but...those feelings still bothered me.

Overall the trip was nice, and on the flight home I was just processing the experience and everything that happened...but I couldn't shake the feelings of how “incapable” I felt. Which is totally bollocks! I'm very much capable! I know I am! I kept trying to remind myself of one of my previous posts...telling myself, “You're a strong woman! You're smart, independent, and very much capable of anything and everything, especially traveling!” – – It just...hurt my feelings, the doubt and sadness that crept into my head. I don't know, let's just say that this Boston trip opened my eyes to what I need to be aware of when I travel myself.

When I went into work Tuesday (yesterday), I turned on the radio and one of my favorite girl power songs was on. “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield. I love her!! I truly relate to so many of her songs, and I just love her musical style!! AH! If I could see her and Ellie Goulding in concert I pretty much would be in Heaven! (Both are British singers p.s.) Anyway...as I took a moment to listen to the song, it reminded me of how I live my life. How, I'm the writer of my own story! “The pen's in my hand, ending unplanned, starting at the blank page” before me. Letting “the sun illuminate the words” that I “could not find, reaching for something in the distance, so close” I can “almost taste it.” This song...is truly an anthem to my life, and it was almost like ,God was telling me to relax, breathe, and stay calm; to “release my inhibitions” and to live my life with my “arms wide open.” The words, soaking into my head, and making me feel so much better! I may “break tradition” or “make mistakes,” which we all do...but I know that I am perfectly fine! This is where my “book begins, the rest is still unwritten.” (You can see the lyrics and music video below.)

"Unwritten"

By Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

Link to video – “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7k0a5hYnSI

Like I said above, “This is where my 'book begins, the rest is still unwritten.'” It's true! Granted...I've been writing my book for quite some time, it's a nice reminder every now and then. You're not supposed to know what's going to happen next; just like with every book, you can't know the story or the ending before you've read it.

This journey that I'll experience in six-ish months, will be phenomenal. Aside, from missing those I care about, I'm excited to see the Northern Lights and Stonehenge, the Globe Theatre and the Cliffs of Moher...I'm looking forward to what's “unwritten.”

* * “I am unwritten, the pens in my hand, ending unplanned...” * *

Let The Countdown Begin

There may be days, weeks, even simple moments where that dark black cloud of doldrums just hangs over you. Showering you with sadness, woe-is-me pity, and anger; leaving you feeling depressed, overwhelmed, or even causing you to release those moments with tears. That was me today, and partly this week. It's tough when those moments hit, but all you can do is accept them, live them, let them do their damage, and move on, heal, begin to rebuild. Soon that dark black cloud turns gray, until finally the sky clears, and the radiant blue shines through!!

My sky’s were pitch black, turned to gray today, and now they're bright blue! See it?...I've reached the moment where a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

“FINALLY!!” I want to yell! It feels good, and there's certainly reason as to why.

Where I live and work right now, I do enjoy. I like it, really, and as you've seen in past posts it's a question as to when I'll move on to a new job. Well...in time; I need to remain patient, optimistic, and positive. I need to put the good, exciting, happy energy out into the universe, and not the depressed, frustrated, and angry energy... This is TOO a real thing!

I know what you're thinking... “Hmm, Jenn you've gone cray cray.”

NO! I haven't! Honest! I was talking last night with my dear Andrew, and I was reminded of this. We receive, what we put out...like whatever we put into something impacts the outcome. I've been so clouded lately, by my frustration of not being able to control things, that I've forgotten a life mantra that I live by. It's like...treating others the way you want to be treated. I wholeheartedly believe that, and it's the same with the energy you put out into the world/universe. Call it Karma, juju, good vibes, whatever...in the end, it's all about the energy you release. I finally am reminded of that, and as much as I like to think that I was always aware of it before...frustration and unmotivated feelings can truly change all that.

I live in a small town...I'd say...12,000 to 15,000 people live in this town. That's maybe a third of the size of CU-Boulder...just to put things into perspective. The campus of University of Northern Colorado even had at least 11,000 students...and that's a small college! Well, everyone in this town is linked somehow...like everyone knows everyone, and it's refreshing. I like feeling involved in the community, and seeing people who I see at council meetings at the gym; or people I see in choir at the grocery store. It's a small town, and for the most part it's quaint. The people in this town are amazing! They truly are so friendly and welcoming! I'm thankful for that. I need to focus on these happy moments to get me through the...dark black cloud ones.

Something that I don't particularly like is that...once you do something, it's almost assumed you'll be involved again. I did a Christmas play at the local Methodist Church, followed by a Easter Play, and now they want me to do the Christmas play for this year too. I understand that they want me involved, because they know my degree in theatre is a passion of mine, and that I love the stage. I truly do feel at home on the stage! It's just...I have a hard time feeling excited to be part of the plays...because they're not too well written, and no one else really has theatre experience. I know, I need to be more relaxed on it all...that it's as good as it's going to get, because everyone does it as a hobby. There's not any community theatre or anything in this town. So...before, I did the plays just so I could live again. I wanted to feel at home again. I wanted to perform.

However, when they start to write roles with you in mind...and assume that you're going to join the cast...it makes it hard to say, “No.” A sense of obligation and pressure ensues, and that causes me to dwell on the issue until I'm worried sick. I don't want to let anyone down, and I don't want to seem “unfriendly,” but I always found myself thinking to myself, “Ugh, if only I could direct this...” or “This would be way better if...” even, “What kind of stage dynamic is that?” – It's so hard for me sometimes, because it was my major in college, and I care a lot about doing my best work in any situation that I can. It's...not too fun to feel like you're not involved in something that's great, but I need to remember that it's a drama ministry doing God's work. Right now, they want me to be part of the 2015 Christmas show, and I don't know if I want to. I really wasn't planning on it, but because of the “obligation and guilt” that I feel...it makes it hard to say, “No.”

I was talking with Andrew about this last night. “If it's not going to make you happy, then don't do it. It's okay to say, 'No',” is what he said, and my parents said the same thing. I really comes down whether I want to do, because of my love for performing...or not to do it, because of the quality of the show...and that's a decision I'll have to make on my own. Magic 8 Ball? Flip a coin? I don't think will work on this one...

So, what made my sky's go from black to gray to blue?

Well...They were black, because I felt so overwhelmed and out of control of my current situation, both due to work and the stress from choosing to participate with the play or not. They turned gray, because I finally accepted a game plan for my work situation. As you know I want to travel, and it's a question of when. Well, I decided that it will for sure happen, and rather than being stuck in the doldrums, I'm going to focus on working and saving more money, so that I can make the trip a reality. Then, when the trip draws nearer, and my outlook is more pleasant, because I'll be excited to travel, that's when I'll start applying for jobs. Letting the current jobs disappear (which there aren't many I want anyway...) and for new ones to appear. It will give me time to accept and move on from the current black cloud feelings. It will also give me time to determine if I want to stay in radio broadcasting, move into television broadcasting, and to what extent I choose. Anything in theatre, film, television, or broadcasting is fine by me!

I finally accepted this conclusion, because I decided to be dauntless.

That's right, I've decided to be dauntless. I've committed to my “solo travel” adventure. THAT IS RIGHT!! – I BOOKED THE TRIP!!

“AHHHH!!!!!” – I'm suddenly filled with, “what am I doing?!” and “OMG” thoughts, because once I make a deposit payment...It's on like Donkey Kong! I'm scared, excited, thrilled, terrified, and happy all in one moment...but it's a good thing. This is a good thing. I want to prove to myself that I can be strong and independent; that I'm capable, and that I CAN DO THIS. I know my mind will continue to be a titer-totter, and I know my nerves will be knots, but I've been wanting to do this for so long, and it's finally happening! I just need to push myself, and let myself live, be free, and soar! This will be amazing for my soul and the stories I'll get to tell! I can't wait!

With this on the horizon, it makes everything worth it. It'll all be worth it. I'm going to live the life I want to live, and experience the world the way I want to experience it. I am taking all the conversations I've had, all the worried thoughts, the stressful weeks, and the fights...into this very moment. Breathe in...breathe out...let it float away, the stress is gone. Life is good.

Let the countdown begin.

When in Doubt, "Ask Amy"

When in doubt, ask Amy.

What do I mean by this? Well…the decision of traveling has been weighing on my head, and stressing me out, because it’s a huge decision to make.  I’ve just been contemplating a lot…so I took matters into my own hands (once again).

Today began like any other.  At work, I take a break mid-morning to check out my daily horoscope and to read my favorite column, “Ask Amy”.  I’m a dork…I like my horoscopes, and Amy’s column is always so interesting to me.  I like reading her advice.  It’s always straight forward and to the point.  She doesn’t sound rude ever, but inquisitive and helpful.  I genuinely love the advice, because often times it can be used in similar situations or you can remember it for another time.

Anyway…today I was reading my horoscope just like any other, and followed that by, “Ask Amy”.  Here’s an excerpt from today’s “Denver Post”.

Ask Amy: Recent college grad fed up with job (8/24/2015)

By Amy Dickinson

The Chicago Tribune

(Posted: 08/24/2015 12:01:00 AM MDT)

Dear Amy: I am one year out of college and I don't think I can take my job much longer. When I was 10 years old, if you had asked me where I wanted to work, I would have said Corporation X - it's a dream company, and that's where I work! But, ugh - after a year of working 14- to 18-hour days, five to six days a week, for $10.50 an hour, I am exhausted and still living paycheck to paycheck.  Here's the kicker, though: I might work an 18-hour shift, but I will only be given three hours of work to do. The rest of the time I just sit at my desk and wait.  When I do have something to do, I love my job! Honestly, if my job paid better, gave me benefits, I worked normal hours and they constantly had work for me to do, it would be the perfect job.  What should I do? Should I stick it out for a few more years in hopes of getting slightly more reasonable hours? Or should I call it quits and cut my losses and try to get into a graduate program in search of a new career path? ~ Exhausted

Dear Exhausted: Your best course of action is to use your extra 15 hours of time during an 18-hour shift in a way that will improve your experience at work - and impact your future.  Notify your supervisors of your capabilities. Pitch ideas for ways you could be more productive and useful to the company. Be proactive. It's your life. Take charge of it. If you feel certain you have exhausted opportunities at Corporation X (or if you simply don't want to work there any longer), leverage your employment at this company into a job at a company that will value you more and compensate you better. Whether you take another job or decide on graduate school (or both), don't leave until you have something else lined up.

When I read today’s column, it made me think…Ask Amy.  Since this has been a complicated decision for me, and although my friends and family have voiced their thoughts, I still haven’t been able to figure out what to do.  It really comes down to the job situation; quit and travel or be responsible and have another job set up before I go? Amy told this person to have something else lined up before they move on, in a way the advice works for me too, but.… What did I do? I asked Amy.

Dear Amy: I've been out of college and working in the "real world" for five years now.  I enjoy my job, and love where I'm working.  Lately however, I've been feeling restless, and I have determined that it's time for me to move on to something new.

While I'm in this transition trying to determine my next move, its reawakened how much I've wanted to travel.  With work and vacation time, it's not given me the opportunity before.  I'd like to maybe take a month and explore some of the world.  Is that a bad idea? I'd love to have another job lined up and travel between one ending and a new one starting, but another part of me wants to quit and travel, then come back and figure things out.  At the risk of being irresponsible I'm at a loss of what to do.

My parents don't think I should travel at all, but all my friends say the time is now and that we have our whole lives to work.  What should I do?  What if a new job falls into place and there isn't any time to travel?  Or what if I land a job and have the trip paid for; would they be willing to still hire me?  Thank you. ~ To Travel or Not To Travel

It’s a perfectly good question(s).  I just need an unbiased answer, straight and to the point.  So, if you have one, feel free to leave a comment.  I will take any advice on this future endeavor… I’ll of course let you know if she responds, puts the question in the paper itself, or if I do decide a confirmed decision myself.  In the meantime…I’m just stressed; so stressed…

Part of me would love to be discovered.  “Let’s choose that girl Jenn to be our next big star!” rings out in my head, with hopes that TLC or some other cable network would like to follow me around the world with cameras.  I’d have my own reality television show, and thinking on that idea, has me really liking it.  I want my experience to inspire others.  We as humans tend to put limits on ourselves; whether it’s paying bills or working to live…it’s a lot of stress being an adult.  I want people to know that they can do whatever they want, and that it’s never too late.  I want to explore, see, discover new cultures and places; and I want people to do the same. 

My mom has always wanted to be a writer.  She has always loved reading, literature, and writing, but when she graduated from high school, college wasn’t on the minds of many.  At the time, Davenport, Iowa was a small town.  It’s now since grown…quite a lot, but when she graduated she wasn’t able to go to college.  The abilities of obtaining scholarships and financial aid weren’t like they are today.  So…she gave up on that dream.

It breaks my heart! I tell her, you should write.  If you want to write, write.  Send your novel out to companies, and I bet you could get published! It’s never too late to achieve your dreams.  I want her and others to know that.  As crazy as it is to travel alone, I’m looking forward to when I can.  I’m looking forward to that chance.  I want everyone to see that the time is now!

Even if TLC doesn’t accept my pitch (that’s right, I auditioned for them)…I hope that this blog can help awaken someone.  I also hope that when I do travel, that I’m able to fill this blog with photos, experiences, stories, and adventures.  I know I’ll have to conquer a lot; from navigating around places by myself, to eating meals alone…and I know I may even cry, but I don’t care! At least I’ll know I’m living.

Rachel Platten – “Fight Song” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo1VInw-SKc

This song rings out as today’s life song.  Enjoy.

If you’re reading this, know that you too can do whatever you want.  Don’t limit yourself.  Don’t tell yourself any excuses.  I want you to know, that even if I haven’t met you, that you’re an incredible person.  You truly are.  So, look into yourself and discover your hearts calling.  No matter how far you run or try to ignore your true calling, eventually it will ring out loud! Listen to those voices and do what makes you happy.  You have one life to live, make it an epic one.  You will be glad you did.