I Am 'Unwritten'

Today, the sun is shining and there isn't a cloud in the sky! An absolutely gorgeous day. I've been working diligently, and I have found moments where my mind wanders...filling itself up with daydreams and happy conversations as scenarios play out. It's interesting to think about the mind...how complex it truly is and how much it can remember; from the smallest details to the most complex of mathematical equations. It's like a filing cabinet filled with countless files of memories, senses, and emotions; music and books, likes and dislikes, the list goes on.

This last weekend, my family and I went to Boston, Massachusetts for the first time, and my mom's mom (my grandma) came with us. My mom and her brothers all went in together to pay for my grandma's trip as a birthday present for her 83^rd birthday. She's an amazing woman, and I love her dearly. I'm very much like my grandma, and I am blessed to be able to see the similarities. I can't even express how alike we are!!

Boston was a blast, because we saw so much history, and that city in general is filled with a rich past. My mom planned the trip and all the tours we went on, and while I did have fun, we still had our moments of arguing and disappointment or feeling stressed and unhappy...I was just glad to have a weekend away from work and the daily grind. I would have liked to explore Salem more in depth, or spend a day on a boat whale watching...but maybe next time. My point?...is I realized on this trip, how excited I am for the trip I've been planning. I realized more on this trip, than on past trips, how different we all are. I'm sure my dad would have liked to see things that my mom didn't want to see or how I would have liked to see things that maybe my family wouldn't have wanted to do. It just made me excited that I'm planning my own thing, and that gives me something to look forward to.

While in Boston, we saw so many things! From the Bunker Hill Monument to Paul Revere's House; the Massachusetts coast to the House of Seven Gables, and even where Samuel Adams was buried...one night I went out to dinner and to see an improv show with my friend Sarah, a friend of mine from my UNC days. Well, she's been living in Boston the last four years, because she got accepted into Emerson College for graduate school, and now works in town there. I was excited to see Sarah, because it's been years and we've been planning to meet up for quite some time.

Saturday night comes and I say, “I'm going to meet Sarah for dinner and we're going to see an improv show at a theatre she used to work at! So, I'll be back around midnight.”

My mom was like, “Okay, great! Is she picking you up?”

“No,” I said “I'm going to meet her at the theatre. She said she can tell me how to walk there, or I can take a taxi or subway.”

Suddenly my mom got, what felt like to me, mad...or “worried,” and she said, “You can't go walking out there by yourself! Do you know how bad you are with directions? You'll get lost! She better just come pick you up! She has a car right?!”

Calmly I said, “Uh, yeah, but she's parked already. It's easier for me to just meet her somewhere.” While I've been talking, I forgot to mention that I was talking to Sarah on the phone the whole time. She was telling me which way to go from the hotel to meet her and trying to give me directions, all while hearing my mom in the background...and making me feel quite embarrassed. “She's trying to give me directions. I can't listen to you and her at the same time! 'Sorry Sarah'...” I say as I try to return to the call. Ultimately I think I heard enough directions to just escape. So I leave.

Walking out of the hotel I was so upset, one for how my mom was reacting and two for Sarah overhearing it all... I leave the hotel and I start walking. We decided to meet at a Chipotle in the theatre district, and me...being frazzled...I went the wrong way for a few blocks, before I realized I needed to turn around. After another call to Sarah, I was finally on my way, and made it there in no time! – – I just...while walking, I found myself freaking out. I'm still in the U.S. and I got lost! I found myself looking at my map frantically and using the GPS on my phone, because I couldn't remember what Sarah said for directions...my mind was still racing with the comments my mom said, and the fact that I felt like maybe I was making a huge mistake. The mistake of planning a trip, where I'll be in a totally different country...lost; or feeling like I'll be lost the whole time, frazzled, worried, and overwhelmed. However, I snapped myself out of it, and was like, “Jenn, you're here! You've got to get to Sarah, and you need to just walk.” So...I did, and I was fine, but...those feelings still bothered me.

Overall the trip was nice, and on the flight home I was just processing the experience and everything that happened...but I couldn't shake the feelings of how “incapable” I felt. Which is totally bollocks! I'm very much capable! I know I am! I kept trying to remind myself of one of my previous posts...telling myself, “You're a strong woman! You're smart, independent, and very much capable of anything and everything, especially traveling!” – – It just...hurt my feelings, the doubt and sadness that crept into my head. I don't know, let's just say that this Boston trip opened my eyes to what I need to be aware of when I travel myself.

When I went into work Tuesday (yesterday), I turned on the radio and one of my favorite girl power songs was on. “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield. I love her!! I truly relate to so many of her songs, and I just love her musical style!! AH! If I could see her and Ellie Goulding in concert I pretty much would be in Heaven! (Both are British singers p.s.) Anyway...as I took a moment to listen to the song, it reminded me of how I live my life. How, I'm the writer of my own story! “The pen's in my hand, ending unplanned, starting at the blank page” before me. Letting “the sun illuminate the words” that I “could not find, reaching for something in the distance, so close” I can “almost taste it.” This song...is truly an anthem to my life, and it was almost like ,God was telling me to relax, breathe, and stay calm; to “release my inhibitions” and to live my life with my “arms wide open.” The words, soaking into my head, and making me feel so much better! I may “break tradition” or “make mistakes,” which we all do...but I know that I am perfectly fine! This is where my “book begins, the rest is still unwritten.” (You can see the lyrics and music video below.)

"Unwritten"

By Natasha Bedingfield

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah

Link to video – “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7k0a5hYnSI

Like I said above, “This is where my 'book begins, the rest is still unwritten.'” It's true! Granted...I've been writing my book for quite some time, it's a nice reminder every now and then. You're not supposed to know what's going to happen next; just like with every book, you can't know the story or the ending before you've read it.

This journey that I'll experience in six-ish months, will be phenomenal. Aside, from missing those I care about, I'm excited to see the Northern Lights and Stonehenge, the Globe Theatre and the Cliffs of Moher...I'm looking forward to what's “unwritten.”

* * “I am unwritten, the pens in my hand, ending unplanned...” * *

Let The Countdown Begin

There may be days, weeks, even simple moments where that dark black cloud of doldrums just hangs over you. Showering you with sadness, woe-is-me pity, and anger; leaving you feeling depressed, overwhelmed, or even causing you to release those moments with tears. That was me today, and partly this week. It's tough when those moments hit, but all you can do is accept them, live them, let them do their damage, and move on, heal, begin to rebuild. Soon that dark black cloud turns gray, until finally the sky clears, and the radiant blue shines through!!

My sky’s were pitch black, turned to gray today, and now they're bright blue! See it?...I've reached the moment where a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

“FINALLY!!” I want to yell! It feels good, and there's certainly reason as to why.

Where I live and work right now, I do enjoy. I like it, really, and as you've seen in past posts it's a question as to when I'll move on to a new job. Well...in time; I need to remain patient, optimistic, and positive. I need to put the good, exciting, happy energy out into the universe, and not the depressed, frustrated, and angry energy... This is TOO a real thing!

I know what you're thinking... “Hmm, Jenn you've gone cray cray.”

NO! I haven't! Honest! I was talking last night with my dear Andrew, and I was reminded of this. We receive, what we put out...like whatever we put into something impacts the outcome. I've been so clouded lately, by my frustration of not being able to control things, that I've forgotten a life mantra that I live by. It's like...treating others the way you want to be treated. I wholeheartedly believe that, and it's the same with the energy you put out into the world/universe. Call it Karma, juju, good vibes, whatever...in the end, it's all about the energy you release. I finally am reminded of that, and as much as I like to think that I was always aware of it before...frustration and unmotivated feelings can truly change all that.

I live in a small town...I'd say...12,000 to 15,000 people live in this town. That's maybe a third of the size of CU-Boulder...just to put things into perspective. The campus of University of Northern Colorado even had at least 11,000 students...and that's a small college! Well, everyone in this town is linked somehow...like everyone knows everyone, and it's refreshing. I like feeling involved in the community, and seeing people who I see at council meetings at the gym; or people I see in choir at the grocery store. It's a small town, and for the most part it's quaint. The people in this town are amazing! They truly are so friendly and welcoming! I'm thankful for that. I need to focus on these happy moments to get me through the...dark black cloud ones.

Something that I don't particularly like is that...once you do something, it's almost assumed you'll be involved again. I did a Christmas play at the local Methodist Church, followed by a Easter Play, and now they want me to do the Christmas play for this year too. I understand that they want me involved, because they know my degree in theatre is a passion of mine, and that I love the stage. I truly do feel at home on the stage! It's just...I have a hard time feeling excited to be part of the plays...because they're not too well written, and no one else really has theatre experience. I know, I need to be more relaxed on it all...that it's as good as it's going to get, because everyone does it as a hobby. There's not any community theatre or anything in this town. So...before, I did the plays just so I could live again. I wanted to feel at home again. I wanted to perform.

However, when they start to write roles with you in mind...and assume that you're going to join the cast...it makes it hard to say, “No.” A sense of obligation and pressure ensues, and that causes me to dwell on the issue until I'm worried sick. I don't want to let anyone down, and I don't want to seem “unfriendly,” but I always found myself thinking to myself, “Ugh, if only I could direct this...” or “This would be way better if...” even, “What kind of stage dynamic is that?” – It's so hard for me sometimes, because it was my major in college, and I care a lot about doing my best work in any situation that I can. It's...not too fun to feel like you're not involved in something that's great, but I need to remember that it's a drama ministry doing God's work. Right now, they want me to be part of the 2015 Christmas show, and I don't know if I want to. I really wasn't planning on it, but because of the “obligation and guilt” that I feel...it makes it hard to say, “No.”

I was talking with Andrew about this last night. “If it's not going to make you happy, then don't do it. It's okay to say, 'No',” is what he said, and my parents said the same thing. I really comes down whether I want to do, because of my love for performing...or not to do it, because of the quality of the show...and that's a decision I'll have to make on my own. Magic 8 Ball? Flip a coin? I don't think will work on this one...

So, what made my sky's go from black to gray to blue?

Well...They were black, because I felt so overwhelmed and out of control of my current situation, both due to work and the stress from choosing to participate with the play or not. They turned gray, because I finally accepted a game plan for my work situation. As you know I want to travel, and it's a question of when. Well, I decided that it will for sure happen, and rather than being stuck in the doldrums, I'm going to focus on working and saving more money, so that I can make the trip a reality. Then, when the trip draws nearer, and my outlook is more pleasant, because I'll be excited to travel, that's when I'll start applying for jobs. Letting the current jobs disappear (which there aren't many I want anyway...) and for new ones to appear. It will give me time to accept and move on from the current black cloud feelings. It will also give me time to determine if I want to stay in radio broadcasting, move into television broadcasting, and to what extent I choose. Anything in theatre, film, television, or broadcasting is fine by me!

I finally accepted this conclusion, because I decided to be dauntless.

That's right, I've decided to be dauntless. I've committed to my “solo travel” adventure. THAT IS RIGHT!! – I BOOKED THE TRIP!!

“AHHHH!!!!!” – I'm suddenly filled with, “what am I doing?!” and “OMG” thoughts, because once I make a deposit payment...It's on like Donkey Kong! I'm scared, excited, thrilled, terrified, and happy all in one moment...but it's a good thing. This is a good thing. I want to prove to myself that I can be strong and independent; that I'm capable, and that I CAN DO THIS. I know my mind will continue to be a titer-totter, and I know my nerves will be knots, but I've been wanting to do this for so long, and it's finally happening! I just need to push myself, and let myself live, be free, and soar! This will be amazing for my soul and the stories I'll get to tell! I can't wait!

With this on the horizon, it makes everything worth it. It'll all be worth it. I'm going to live the life I want to live, and experience the world the way I want to experience it. I am taking all the conversations I've had, all the worried thoughts, the stressful weeks, and the fights...into this very moment. Breathe in...breathe out...let it float away, the stress is gone. Life is good.

Let the countdown begin.

"You're Committed Jenn."

Hey! So...the last couple day's I've been having the feelings creep into my mind of “am I doing the right thing?” … This is regarding my decision to “solo travel.” I don't want my blog to become a place where I vent or rant and rave, but I want to document all my feelings, the uncertainties, and the unknown of what is out there.

Although, I am very adventurous and try to do everything at least once in life...I still have a hard time getting myself to those moments of acceptance. By this I mean, I like change, but I hate it at the same time. Change in life can be scary; whether it be moving out of your parents home for the first time or leaving to go to college...even if it's as simple as changing jobs. I always find myself filled with anxiety and uncertainty in those situations, but after a week or two, and once I'm settled in, I usually find myself relieved that I've conquered those fears and that I've embraced the new.

That's where I'm at with my decision to travel. Right now my head is a titter-totter, going up and down with the excitement of traveling, yet the fear of actually going alone rings in my head too. – What am I doing?! Is this a good idea?! Am I doing the right thing?! – I can't help but think, what if I plan this whole thing and then I'm on that flight to Iceland and I'm internally freaking out!? … Yeah, that may be the feeling once I'm on that eight or so hour flight, realizing, “Dude, Jenn...this is happening. Here you are!” What will I do?...nothing to do but accept it, embrace it, and live it.

This makes me think back to the time that I studied in New York City. Back in the summer of 2007, I lived in New York for a month and took classes at the “School for Film and Television,” SFT, was what it was known as then...now it's the “New York Conservatory for Dramatic Arts, School for Film and Television.” When I told my parents (at 19) that I wanted to live in New York for a month and do this intensive summer program, they were anything but excited. They were definitely concerned and unsure of me being out-of-state on my own. I wanted to do the program so badly! I didn't care what I had to do, all I knew was I needed that program! I'm glad they supported me and let me go, because that program...I grew so much in that month at that school, than I did in an entire year at UNC. The program really helped re-establish my confidence (following quite a rough freshman year), and it helped me find my love in acting again...the love I always had!

My point? Well, regardless of me wanting to do that program, I still felt excited, scared, and unsure...pretty much until I was on the plane. My parents took me to the airport that June, and I checked in and headed to security (on my own), and they stood above the security area at Denver International Airport (DIA) and waved, “goodbye.” Not going to lie...I shed a few tears...but I'm a sappy sap, and cry at any goodbye... Once I got through security, I looked up and saw their smiling faces one last time, before I embarked on my New York adventure. Once I got to the gate, I for sure was feeling the flow of emotions and the questions I mentioned earlier ring in my head. Suddenly though, God shined some light on me. I looked up and saw a familiar face. The face of a guy who went to UNC in Greeley, and who was a year ahead of me in school. He was in the Musical Theatre Program, and although, I never had classes with him at UNC, that familiar face put my mind at ease.

“I think I know you. Brian Loveland?” I say.

“Jennifer So? Yes! From UNC?” He responded.

“Yeah! I'm doing the Summer Intensive at SFT, are you going as well?” I questioned.

“Yeah! I am! I'm really excited!” Brian responded with a smile.

My mind at ease, my breathing calm, and my heart at rest. I felt content. As we talked a bit more, this girl, who had sat down across from us suddenly joined in, “Wait. Are you guys talking about the School for Film and Television?”

“Yeah!” I say, “We're studying there for a month.”

“No way! Me too! I'm Katie. Katie McConnell.”

Needless to say, I was overjoyed. Mainly, because I now knew people going to NYC as well, but that I had some familiar faces nearby too. When we landed Brian exclaimed, “Hey! You guys want to share a taxi?” “Of course!” we replied as we hopped into van, hoping it would turn out to be, “the CASH CAB” or something. Sadly, it did not, but once we arrived to the school dorm's we checked in, and it turned out, Katie and I were roommates for the month! Everything turned out well, and all three of us had some amazing experiences and memorable moments. Despite my mixed nervous feelings, I would gladly do it all over again.

I know that's how this situation is as well. That I'm just worrying about nothing, and that it will all work out amazingly. I know that once I've experienced it, and lived it, that I'll want to do it all over again. Before in life...I tended to follow my friends. I mean, why wouldn't I...I was with the same elementary class through high school? Where I grew up, the neighborhood I lived in, all the kids went all the way through school together. From one school to the next. My friends, are still from that class...and I still gravitate towards my friends who I've known for years. In fact, it wasn't until middle school, when there were new students around. From kindergarten to sixth grade I was in my little community, with the same 150 kids around me. Middle School that grew to like...550, and by high school I was in a school of over 2,500 students. So, naturally, when it came time to choose a college, I followed a group of my friends from Chatfield Senior High School to the University of Northern Colorado. In fact, they were my friends from the threatre program there, who went on to study theatre arts at UNC. From college, I ended up moving back home for a bit to save up money...which led me to going back to school...falling back into that safety net.

It wasn't until I went back to school for broadcasting at “Colorado Media School,” when I was actually in an environment where I didn't have any friends around. That was the first time...at age 23, that I literally did not know anyone in the class. Lucky for me I can make friends easily, and I did. My class from that school and I are still really tight. We all want everyone to succeed and celebrate each others' win's. We still have reunion dinners and gatherings, just so we can all hang out as a class again. The school even said when we all graduated that it had been years, since they've had a class come through the school that grew to be so close. Where there was no drama between anyone. Honestly, we were all friends.

I realize now...that I, although like change and accept change, I tend to follow where change is comfortable. I don't always push myself out of my shell. I didn't think I'd ever have that, “first day of school” feeling again until I started that program, and in the end it impacted me beyond comprehension.

This all leads back to my feelings now: What am I doing?! Is this a good idea?! Am I doing the right thing?! – The answer is: YES!

Just say yes! I've had a few days to think since my last post, where I ended it with “Keep moving forward,” and now. I do need to keep moving forward. Even from other previous posts, I just need to let the YES ring out loud and proud! – I'm going on a “solo travel adventure.” This is an excellent idea. Yes, I'm doing the right thing. – I need to continue to break away from “following my friends” and continue to stand on my own, embracing “change.” Which I've been doing for the last three years. I've moved to two different towns, taking on two different jobs in the last three years, and have made new friends; virtually from knowing no one before. I've made it through and survived. I'm stronger, more independent (even more than I was before), and an adult. I can do it, and have. New York was a baby step, and moving four hours away from anything familiar to take my first broadcasting job...that was a bigger step. This “solo travel adventure” will be the ultimate test.

Frankly, I acted upon this grand idea by actually planning a trip I'd love to take. It started out as this far off idea and morphed into a solid plan. That plan led me to seek it out and talk to a travel agent. Those talks and countless emails have led to me deciding that it's not a “if I choose to,” but a “when I go” mindset. I've made it this far, and all there is to do is commit. COMMIT JENN!! COMMIT!!

I am committing to this “solo travel adventure.” Done! Set in stone! It's 100% happening.

So...despite whatever feelings creep into my head, and whatever I've been feeling and will feel I'm going to keep telling myself, “You're committed Jenn.”

I'm now committed and determined; not just to this trip, but to everything in life...I've accepted this change and this adventure, and IT. STARTS. NOW!!

Here I go! …

Dream When You're Feeling Blue...

Dream – [dreem] – noun

1. A succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.

2. The sleeping state in which this occurs.

3. An object seen in a dream.

4. An involuntary vision occurring to a person when awake.

5. A vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie.

6. An aspiration; goal; aim: A trip to Europe is his dream.

7. A wild or vain fancy.

Dreams. A simple word that can mean so many things. Have you ever thought about your dreams? I'm sure you have, but have they come true? Or...did they morph into something even better?

When I was probably two years old, my dream was to be Jasmine. I had an obsession with “Aladdin,” and for good reason! Jasmine is so cool! It made total sense, when years later I took this personality quiz, and it told me I'm most like Jasmine from “Aladdin” interestingly. When I was three years old, my dream changed once again...

At this time, I had had this doll, she was a ballerina, and she stood on her tip-toes (or on pointe if you're a dancer), and she was in a Pirouette form, and her hand held a rose above her head. She was awesome, and I'm sure I still have her in storage somewhere. When you pressed down on her hand with the rose, she would spin or whirl, and dance. One day, it was summer, and I was playing on the bedroom floor of my room, with my ballerina. She was dancing and she looked so graceful. Suddenly, I decided I wanted to be like her. I wanted to dance on my “tip-toes” and whirl and spin.

I stood up, dashed down stairs yelling, “Mommy! Mommy! I want to be a ballerina! I want to be a ballerina! Mommy, can I be a ballerina!? Please! I want to be a ballerina!!”

From that moment, the love of dance entered my life. I began dancing a couple weeks later, and danced from age 3 ½ to 23 years old, pretty continuously. I still consider myself a dancer, although, I've not been able to dance as much lately. The current town I live in is quite smaller than the “city,” and there aren't opportunities of dance for adults...but that won't always be the case. Although, I am not a professional ballerina, I still have a love and passion for dance that truly makes me who I am today.

The interesting thing with dreams...sometimes you can have so many, all at once! When I was six, I fell in love with theatre. I did a Christmas play at my church, and I played a reporter who got to interview Prince Charles in England about how the royal family will spend the Holiday. It awakened me to a different realm of the arts, and remains a major passion in my life today. I went to University of Northern Colorado for a Bachelors of Theatre Arts, and yeah, I still do theatre in and around Colorado when I have a chance. Like I mentioned in my last blog...being on stage is where I feel the most alive, where I'm at “home” in a way.

Dreams, as we have determined, change over time, and it's interesting how dreams are intertwined as well. Have you ever thought about that? Let me tell you why...

After I graduated from UNC, I had this moment one night where I totally freaked out. I had gotten into a fight with my parents, because I wasn't doing anything that I wanted to do. I wasn't sure if I wanted to go back to school and get a masters, or go back to school for something completely different, move to LA or NYC, or just stay in Denver. Basically, I had hit a moment where I was working for a construction company, I was doing a show here and there when I would get cast, and I was living back at home. I didn't transition out of college too well, because honestly...? I was having way too much fun! I didn't really mentally prepare for college ending, and I had no idea what to do after graduation.

...Let's take a back stage moment here...when I was at UNC, I loved my friends. My senior year was all about doing all that I could to have fun, keep my good grades, and just to live life! Graduation just kept getting closer and closer, but I just kept doing my thing, and never really noticed. The night before graduation, I'm pretty sure I was out on the town with friends, celebrating. The morning of graduation, I woke up, got ready, and headed to Nottingham Field. My parents and grandma were driving up for the day, and after the ceremony, I stayed for a few graduation parties, before heading to my own, back in the Denver area. I had a blast with all my friends, said goodbye to Greeley, went to my parents house, and loved the party I had there. Filled with so much happiness and love, feeling so accomplished and excited for what my future held. Then, the last person leaves...I say goodbye, close the front door of the house, turn off the porch light...and turn around. For the first time, all day...through the whirlwind of events and excitement, it hit me. I was done with college. I was done with the four best years of any one's life. Just like that, like a closed book or the end of a movie, and I just broke down, into tears. It wasn't the, “Aw, this movie is soo sad” kind of tears; this was the break down, screaming, collapse to the floor, kind of cry. It just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I was sad...heartbroken. Just goes to show, that we must all embrace every moment of our lives and remember everything, no matter how small the moment may be.

Anyway...I had no idea what to do after graduation. I did some temp work, and promotional modeling gigs through my agency...but I wasn't happy. Eventually, I started working at a family friends construction company, and I discovered that I needed to do something more. In 2011, I began researching master programs back at UNC or at CU Boulder...Metro in Denver...I even considered going into the family business; becoming a Chiropractor and specializing in pediatrics for children. I actually would be really happy doing that, and it's still an idea, but in 2011, I would have had to go back to school and complete all my sciences and pre-med stuff, and go through Palmer College of Chiropractics, and then a few extra years to specialize in pediatrics...and I didn't want to go back to school for...six to eight years... So, I looked into Chinese Medicine or Acupuncture, holistic alternatives to western medicine, but even that would be another five years at least. I just didn't want to do more school, I was still so burnt out from pre-school through college straight! Two years old to 22!! OY!

So, I began to reevaluate where my dreams had gone, what my dreams were now, and how could I accomplish them. (I KNOW! I went off topic slightly, but this is all related! LOL.) I decided I wanted to stay in the creative arts areas and focus on how I could accomplish my dream of becoming a famous actor, by doing what I can do that will make me happy. I researched many things...and this is where my dreams became intertwined.

One day as I was researching broadcast journalism, I came across, “The Ohio Center for Broadcasting” or now known as, “Colorado Media School,” in BelMar, located in Lakewood, Colorado. It was a “tech school,” so it was all hands on, you learned the craft, and you received a certificate upon completion of the program. In and out in 11 ½ months!! Now, that sounded like my cup of tea! I immediately scheduled a tour of the school, and marched my butt over to the campus. Immediately I walked in, and it was as if this voice was telling me, “You belong here.” I toured the facility, and saw all the studios, classrooms, equipment used, and even did my “audition” which consisted of reading a commercial spot and recording yourself. That was easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy for me, especially with all my theatre training. I knew how to control my breath, I knew how to manipulate my voice, and I pretty much killed the “audition.” Turns out, everyone at the school thought so too, saying, “That's the best we've heard in a long time!”

Everything just kind of fell into my lap, and everything fell into place. I just kind of fell into broadcasting. My dream as a six year old and my dream through college...led me to broadcasting. The first acting role, as a reporter, has led me to my job today; working in radio broadcasting, having my own midday's radio show, and working at a company that is so amazing!

Your dreams can be intertwined. Sometimes, we simply have to untangle them, to see where they'll lead us. Our dreams, may not be what we always thought we wanted, but they will lead us to what we're meant to do...and be. Mine sure have.

….Hmm....it's nice to think about, reflect on. I give thanks everyday, that I'm able to wake up and do what I do. I feel like God led me down this path too. One time I had this dream, clear as day, that took place in my bedroom at my parents house. It was at the beginning of the process, and I dreamed that I woke up, and two guys were in my room, dressed in every day clothes, jeans and t-shirts. Instead of being scared as one would think, I approached the guys with ease and wonder. They didn't scare me, but some how I knew they were angels. 

They said confidently, “We're here to visit you. We just wanted to let you know that everything will work out.” 

“What will work out?" I questioned, "Will I be a famous actress, acting in film and television?” 

They said, “We can't really say, but everything will work out. Everything will be okay.” 

I remembered questioning them again, “Can you tell me anymore? I just wonder, if I'll make it in film and television.” 

Calmly they said, “We're sorry, we can't tell you, but don't worry.” 

Then, just like that, I blinked my eyes, and they were gone, as if they never were there. I climbed back into bed and went back to sleep. At that moment, I shot up! (It was one of those dreams within a dream scenarios, which...are always weird.) This particular day, it was probably around 6:15 a.m., and I just sat there, contemplating what just happened. I know what I saw, and I know what I dreamed, and I believe I was visited by angels, who helped guide me. The months and years that followed, fell into place, and even as I write this, I realize... “Woha, they were right.” 

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There's one last thought I have about dreams. Unrelated to the dreams you have for you life, or dreams that you have while you're sleeping in REM sleep, or the daydreams of what you wish you could experience...these dreams are the dreams you have with people.

Take this song: “Dreams” by the Cranberries

"Dreams"

Oh, my life is changing everyday,

In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems,
Never quite as it seems.

I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.

Ah, la da ah...
La...

I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.

And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me.
You're what I couldn't find.
A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind;
You're everything to me.

Oh, my life,
Is changing every day,
In every possible way.

And oh, my dreams,
It's never quite as it seems,
'Cause you're a dream to me,
Dream to me.

Ah, da, da da da, da, la...

One of the classic love songs, which I always think of “You've Got Mail,” starring Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan...but just such a happy lovey song. This can be related to relationships, couples in general, or to yourself as an individual. Songs always have different interpretations to different people, and it's fascinating.

To me...? Hmm...This song basically encompasses what this whole blog is about today. How dreams are “never quite as they seem.” Whether it be the dream to fall in love or the dream to live the impossible, dreams are always changing, and morphing into more. Right now...I've got my dream of my career, and my dream of completing the impossible...you always have to have other goals and aspirations, and...perhaps the dream of love.

That has been one that has formed in my life for years and years. We all want to find love and eventually settle down, have a family of our own. It's just in the make-up of all humans. I am a girl too, so I already gravitate towards love, and chick flicks...the other day I was at the “Tattered Cover Bookstore” in Aspen Grove, a shopping area in Littleton, Colorado, with my bestie Kayla (they had just opened too, by the way, moved from their location in Highland Ranch), and we saw this elderly couple kiss each other at the front doors, as they parted ways. Clearly the gentleman wanted to go to one store, and his wife to another, but it was cutest, sweetest thing!

I exclaimed to Kayla, “AW! Kayla! That's is soooo cute!! That's what I want!! That cute, grow old together, endless love, kind of love!”

“You'll get it JSO!” Kayla cheers back, “I want that too!”

Maybe it's a girl thing, or maybe it's just a all human thing, but in that moment, I knew that...one day I'd find that love. Just like the song; “...And then I open up and see the person falling here is me. A different way to be...” We need to be open to “fall” for someone, and we need to be open to allow for fear of getting hurt. “Oh, my life, is changing every day, in every possible way...” We can't let fear get to us, otherwise we won't live. Not really in the way we're meant to.

So, let your life change, every day. Let it consume you with all it's happiness, sadness, screaming, and tears. Let life be what you want it to be! Be with who you want to be with, do what you want to do, and be as happy as you want to be.

That goes for you, and that goes for me. “...You're what I couldn't find. A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind... And oh, my dreams, it's never quite as it seems, 'cause you're a dream to me. Dream to me...” – – You know who you are...My Andrew.

Life Changes in an Instant

Scene opens on a girl sitting in a park. She's not doing anything in particular, just sitting on a bench, enjoying the warm sun hitting her skin. A cool breeze of the air brushes across her face. The sounds of birds are chirping, and the distant sound of children playing on the playground near by echo ever so faintly. To anyone walking around the nearby lake, she looks like any other happy-go-lucky 27-year-old...

One of these days, perhaps I'll write a book. My mind is always flowing with conversations and snip-its of scenes, ideas...but inspiration doesn't always hit. Sometimes, you just need to type and see what comes out. Just like the paragraph above.

My background is in theatre, this is true. I'm most myself on stage, in front of an audience. The adrenalin that is felt when I'm performing is the most amazing feeling ever. I love the nervous feelings I have before that opening scene, where you're about to embark on another live performance of a show that you've rehearsed tirelessly for months. That initial, “Oh, gosh, don't forget your lines,” or the “Here we go! God, bless this show,” thoughts...the thoughts that you're about to do something unforgettable. That's what I love. Despite those slight nerves, the trust you have with your cast gets you through everything.

Whenever I perform, I fall more and more in love with theatre, allowing the emotions of the character and the world of the play take over. It's magical.

The acting world is very close. I feel like it is anyway. Take Denver for example. There are so many theatre companies and ways to do what your love and to continue working on your craft. Eventually, the more involved you get, the more you run into familiar faces, and the more connections you make. It just makes the whole theatre community seem so close.

What if you were a part of the community, and what if you're not able to be part of it again?

Perhaps that's what that girl on the bench was thinking... Hmm... I have a really good friend, and she's super talented. I met her the first day of class at the University of Northern Colorado, in Orientation to Technology, or O-Tech as we called it. She became one of my best friends at UNC until she transferred to Colorado Mesa University to continue in their acting program.

You're probably thinking, “Why should she not be able to be part of the acting community again?” Well, the reason, is she was recently in a bad accident. She moved out to LA, and had been out there for a couple years, I think, when one night she was driving home. She may have just gotten off work, or perhaps she was coming home from a night out with friends. Regardless, she was driving her SUV, and was heading down any normal street. The speed limit was 35 miles per hour...in this area; make a mental note of that.

It was March 10, 2015, probably around midnight, when my best friend was heading through a green light. Suddenly, she was struck by another car who was going highway speeds down this 35 MPH street. He ran the red light, and crashed right into my friend! He flipped her SUV, and caused her to roll on top of a parked car, and another van that was heading the opposite direction. The scene looked bad...they had to extract all the parties involved, and my friend...? She was in critical condition. The others involved, including the driver of the car who crashed into her, were in serious condition. It turned out this dude, was 19-years-old and probably had been drinking. Alcohol was suspected as a contributing factor.

My friend spent a little more than a week in the ICU, before she was transferred to recovery. Thank goodness she is going to be okay!! You always hear about these things in the news, but the moment you know someone involved in a DUI crash, it sparks a flame inside of you. That flame of anger, disgust, and pain for all involved. It's those flames that get me so fired up, that I just want to yell from the roof tops, “DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE!”

My dear friend is doing well cognitively, thank goodness, but she suffered some major injuries, that will now make for a very long road, before she's healed. She remembers friends and most memories, but will have to learn to walk again, and the other simple tasks. I miss her. I wish I could be there to help her. All I can do is pray for a speedy recovery, pray that people think twice about drinking and driving, and pray for her to find the strength to get through the hardest days.

It's been a little more than a month since the accident. My friend is still at the hospital, and will be for awhile...I tried to call her Saturday, and instead I was left in tears, when she didn't want to talk to me. It's dumb, I know...because she's going through a lot, and she may not want to talk right now. That's fine. I didn't cry because she didn't talk to me, but because I felt helpless. I wanted to give her happiness, I wanted her to know that I am praying for her. I know she doesn't want people's pity, but I want her to know that she's strong. She can make it through anything. I know it. You would too if you knew her. She's the, “I don't take crap from anybody!” kind of person. She's a free spirit, filled with so many dreams, goals, and love for anyone she encounters.

I write this to help myself make sense of my mind, but also to tell her story. Maybe someone will stumble upon this and think twice before getting into the car after they've drank. Maybe this blog post will travel to my friend in the way of healing, and kind thoughts. Regardless, I am hopeful my friend will recover 100%, and no matter what life has in store for her, I'll always be here for her.

The theatre community will be here for her too...we're all anxiously awaiting her return to the stage. Her return to a place she loves so very much. Her return to her “home.” Get well soon, Jenna.