"You're Committed Jenn."

Hey! So...the last couple day's I've been having the feelings creep into my mind of “am I doing the right thing?” … This is regarding my decision to “solo travel.” I don't want my blog to become a place where I vent or rant and rave, but I want to document all my feelings, the uncertainties, and the unknown of what is out there.

Although, I am very adventurous and try to do everything at least once in life...I still have a hard time getting myself to those moments of acceptance. By this I mean, I like change, but I hate it at the same time. Change in life can be scary; whether it be moving out of your parents home for the first time or leaving to go to college...even if it's as simple as changing jobs. I always find myself filled with anxiety and uncertainty in those situations, but after a week or two, and once I'm settled in, I usually find myself relieved that I've conquered those fears and that I've embraced the new.

That's where I'm at with my decision to travel. Right now my head is a titter-totter, going up and down with the excitement of traveling, yet the fear of actually going alone rings in my head too. – What am I doing?! Is this a good idea?! Am I doing the right thing?! – I can't help but think, what if I plan this whole thing and then I'm on that flight to Iceland and I'm internally freaking out!? … Yeah, that may be the feeling once I'm on that eight or so hour flight, realizing, “Dude, Jenn...this is happening. Here you are!” What will I do?...nothing to do but accept it, embrace it, and live it.

This makes me think back to the time that I studied in New York City. Back in the summer of 2007, I lived in New York for a month and took classes at the “School for Film and Television,” SFT, was what it was known as then...now it's the “New York Conservatory for Dramatic Arts, School for Film and Television.” When I told my parents (at 19) that I wanted to live in New York for a month and do this intensive summer program, they were anything but excited. They were definitely concerned and unsure of me being out-of-state on my own. I wanted to do the program so badly! I didn't care what I had to do, all I knew was I needed that program! I'm glad they supported me and let me go, because that program...I grew so much in that month at that school, than I did in an entire year at UNC. The program really helped re-establish my confidence (following quite a rough freshman year), and it helped me find my love in acting again...the love I always had!

My point? Well, regardless of me wanting to do that program, I still felt excited, scared, and unsure...pretty much until I was on the plane. My parents took me to the airport that June, and I checked in and headed to security (on my own), and they stood above the security area at Denver International Airport (DIA) and waved, “goodbye.” Not going to lie...I shed a few tears...but I'm a sappy sap, and cry at any goodbye... Once I got through security, I looked up and saw their smiling faces one last time, before I embarked on my New York adventure. Once I got to the gate, I for sure was feeling the flow of emotions and the questions I mentioned earlier ring in my head. Suddenly though, God shined some light on me. I looked up and saw a familiar face. The face of a guy who went to UNC in Greeley, and who was a year ahead of me in school. He was in the Musical Theatre Program, and although, I never had classes with him at UNC, that familiar face put my mind at ease.

“I think I know you. Brian Loveland?” I say.

“Jennifer So? Yes! From UNC?” He responded.

“Yeah! I'm doing the Summer Intensive at SFT, are you going as well?” I questioned.

“Yeah! I am! I'm really excited!” Brian responded with a smile.

My mind at ease, my breathing calm, and my heart at rest. I felt content. As we talked a bit more, this girl, who had sat down across from us suddenly joined in, “Wait. Are you guys talking about the School for Film and Television?”

“Yeah!” I say, “We're studying there for a month.”

“No way! Me too! I'm Katie. Katie McConnell.”

Needless to say, I was overjoyed. Mainly, because I now knew people going to NYC as well, but that I had some familiar faces nearby too. When we landed Brian exclaimed, “Hey! You guys want to share a taxi?” “Of course!” we replied as we hopped into van, hoping it would turn out to be, “the CASH CAB” or something. Sadly, it did not, but once we arrived to the school dorm's we checked in, and it turned out, Katie and I were roommates for the month! Everything turned out well, and all three of us had some amazing experiences and memorable moments. Despite my mixed nervous feelings, I would gladly do it all over again.

I know that's how this situation is as well. That I'm just worrying about nothing, and that it will all work out amazingly. I know that once I've experienced it, and lived it, that I'll want to do it all over again. Before in life...I tended to follow my friends. I mean, why wouldn't I...I was with the same elementary class through high school? Where I grew up, the neighborhood I lived in, all the kids went all the way through school together. From one school to the next. My friends, are still from that class...and I still gravitate towards my friends who I've known for years. In fact, it wasn't until middle school, when there were new students around. From kindergarten to sixth grade I was in my little community, with the same 150 kids around me. Middle School that grew to like...550, and by high school I was in a school of over 2,500 students. So, naturally, when it came time to choose a college, I followed a group of my friends from Chatfield Senior High School to the University of Northern Colorado. In fact, they were my friends from the threatre program there, who went on to study theatre arts at UNC. From college, I ended up moving back home for a bit to save up money...which led me to going back to school...falling back into that safety net.

It wasn't until I went back to school for broadcasting at “Colorado Media School,” when I was actually in an environment where I didn't have any friends around. That was the first time...at age 23, that I literally did not know anyone in the class. Lucky for me I can make friends easily, and I did. My class from that school and I are still really tight. We all want everyone to succeed and celebrate each others' win's. We still have reunion dinners and gatherings, just so we can all hang out as a class again. The school even said when we all graduated that it had been years, since they've had a class come through the school that grew to be so close. Where there was no drama between anyone. Honestly, we were all friends.

I realize now...that I, although like change and accept change, I tend to follow where change is comfortable. I don't always push myself out of my shell. I didn't think I'd ever have that, “first day of school” feeling again until I started that program, and in the end it impacted me beyond comprehension.

This all leads back to my feelings now: What am I doing?! Is this a good idea?! Am I doing the right thing?! – The answer is: YES!

Just say yes! I've had a few days to think since my last post, where I ended it with “Keep moving forward,” and now. I do need to keep moving forward. Even from other previous posts, I just need to let the YES ring out loud and proud! – I'm going on a “solo travel adventure.” This is an excellent idea. Yes, I'm doing the right thing. – I need to continue to break away from “following my friends” and continue to stand on my own, embracing “change.” Which I've been doing for the last three years. I've moved to two different towns, taking on two different jobs in the last three years, and have made new friends; virtually from knowing no one before. I've made it through and survived. I'm stronger, more independent (even more than I was before), and an adult. I can do it, and have. New York was a baby step, and moving four hours away from anything familiar to take my first broadcasting job...that was a bigger step. This “solo travel adventure” will be the ultimate test.

Frankly, I acted upon this grand idea by actually planning a trip I'd love to take. It started out as this far off idea and morphed into a solid plan. That plan led me to seek it out and talk to a travel agent. Those talks and countless emails have led to me deciding that it's not a “if I choose to,” but a “when I go” mindset. I've made it this far, and all there is to do is commit. COMMIT JENN!! COMMIT!!

I am committing to this “solo travel adventure.” Done! Set in stone! It's 100% happening.

So...despite whatever feelings creep into my head, and whatever I've been feeling and will feel I'm going to keep telling myself, “You're committed Jenn.”

I'm now committed and determined; not just to this trip, but to everything in life...I've accepted this change and this adventure, and IT. STARTS. NOW!!

Here I go! …

"Anything on your mind today?"

Sometimes, as I sit and sip on my tea (we've established I'm a tea-holic if you're just now joining in on my blog), I find myself digging deep to determine, what's on my mind...

My boyfriend and I ask each other frequently, “Anything on your mind today?”

While most of the time our minds are pretty quiet and content, sometimes there are those profound thoughts that do find their way to the surface. I like that we openly talk about what's on our minds, because it makes the communication between us, all the better, and I think it's important for communication to be the best it can be in any situation in life. I guess...that's one of my thoughts today. – – Sometimes, life is so hectic...it can cause communication to fall and trouble's can form between people, co-workers, or even family. As long as we're aware of ourselves and stress levels, things tend to work out fine. I digress...

* * * * * * * *

What is on my mind today...?

Every morning I wake up, open up the curtains, and thank God that I see the sun. I'm even more happy when I can catch the sunrise...how gorgeous they always are!! As I head into work, I immediately check my email and begin my daily routine of radio shows and gathering news. This morning I came across an email that has caused me to ponder the topic of “relationships.”

Now, most of the time...I admit, I'll delete half the emails in my inbox, because they don't relate to one, the area that the radio station is located; two, they're plain old junk; or three it's not news. Today, an email talking about Bestselling author Hellen Chen came across my desk. She's the author of a recent book titled, “Hellen Chen's Love Seminar,” and she is a relationship expert. The book describes that dating longer before marriage does not always lead to a happy marriage.

That idea caught my eye, because like everyone else (or the majority), I do want to get married and I do want to have a family. Her book reveals that “85 percent of dating ends up in breakups and dating longer does not always mean a more stable and happier marriage”, because in reality...you just can't guarantee that things will work out. Even if you've “dated someone for six or eight years before marriage”, she says that she's “seen many singles delay marital commitment in order to 'make sure' the person in front of them is the right one.”

I've seen this too. Whether it be my own family or friends, sometimes despite how long you date, it just doesn't make it to marriage, and that's really sad. Especially, if you grow to love your cousin's or friend's significant other...

Hellen Chen also states in her book (although I don't own it...), and this is still all in the email, that, “the unwillingness to fully commit opens the door for an eventual breakup, and most people who only date and don't commit will end up separating with their partners.” It sounds like a pretty interesting read if you ask me, and maybe it's because I'm actually with someone who I see a future with and who sees a future with me. I'm not just dating to date anymore, I'm dating for a future. I'm dating, because I genuinely want a happy ending in life too. Her book also dives into people's thoughts. Perhaps the way they view dating, relationships, or... “selecting a partner” and that too is an interesting thought.

I've dated so many people over the years and I found myself time and time again like Charlotte in Sex and the City, where she expressed in one episode how she's been dating since she was 15-years-old and was exhausted, because she still hadn't found, “the one.” The screams of, “WHERE IS HE?!” ring in my head, like yesterday...because I know these thoughts ring true to many.

The thought of there even being a smart way to “select a partner” is emotionally exhausting, not to mention financially tough...and you know what? There's not a right way in that. Part of it is your own self, part of it is the want and determination of your significant other, and part of it (I believe) is God's Will. Hellen Chen periodically hosts seminars on these topics (so the email said), and in the end...once someone realizes the “feeling of settling down in marriage, that can be the world of difference.” That will demolish any surreal mindset of any relationship where one is dating with no goal in mine.

One of the people Hellen Chen talks to in her book says, “If you want the real thing, don't waste your time dating someone who does not share your idea of commitment.” OMG!! EPIPHANY!! – What a concept. I will admit, I've been in similar situations like that before in the past...where I totally liked the guy so much more than he liked me; or where I wanted commitment and he just wanted someone to make-out with. Whatever the situation, this statement truly does ring true, and should be considered...if you're still looking for “the one.”

Despite the many different ways to approach a relationship...and although it's nice to know the person's background or profile before you tentatively and cautiously move into a “possible” relationship with this said person...the rate of divorce is increasing globally nevertheless.

Divorce is not a bad thing...although throughout time it was frowned upon and disliked...sometimes you really can't control the circumstances that cause divorce. I'm blessed that my parents are still together, going strong for 38 years and counting. My mom's were together for around 40 years or longer...before my grandpa died. My dad's parents have been together...for I don't know how long...and my aunts and uncles on my dad's side are still happily married as well. Divorce has hit my uncles on my mom's side, but it's not bad thing. It just happens sometimes, and although I hope it doesn't happen between who I marry and myself, at the same time, it's just an unknown. It's in “unknown” in any relationship...and that's a scary thought for me.

Hellen Chen has a possible resolution, and at least it helps put my mind at ease, because it gives me something else to think about. Her thought is simply this, “People change.” That's a given, whether you know someone well, give it five or ten years, and they've changed. Everyone changes, and it's a constant. I mean, I'm definitely not that 18-year-old college freshman anymore (which we've determined in previous posts), and you're not the same college student yourself. People change habits, behaviors, even hobbies...and “rather than focusing on who the right partner may be, why not work on learning how to manage changes and thus make a marriage lasting and satisfying.” Yeah, why not?! Hellen Chen's concept of “learning how to manage changes” has got me pondering that. How do you even do that? What...? Manage what? – – Ultimately...I've determined this...I will be the best partner I can be to my significant other.

I want to embrace the changes that we'll go through, and I want to learn to remain as much in love as the first time, “I love you,” was said. I was talking to a good friend of mine about married life, and how she's liked it so far. Although, still early in their years together (she's only been married for three years at this point), but she gave me a thought, and this email based thought also made me think about her thought as well.

She said, “Divorce is not on the table for us. Once we determined that divorce was not an option for us, ever, it really changed how we communicate. It changes how you fight, it changes how you make up, and it changes how you communicate with each other. It truly makes the world of difference, because you're learning in these early years to build a foundation where divorce isn't even in the equation.”

Wow...right? I heard her say that and I remember thinking, “Whoa... I guess it would change things that way.” She and her husband have such a sweet love for each other. It truly is a beautiful sight to see; how he surprises her with flowers sometimes or the way he looks at her. That hasn't changed from day one. He still looks at her with such love and care, with such utter happiness, that he's “her one.” It's really beautiful, and I'm so blessed that the wedding's I've been to for my friends...that they're still all together. Seeing the love and happiness around me makes me hopeful and confirms that I too will have that some day. I have very wise friends, and I love them all so very much.

While talking with my friend about her first three years of marriage, I also asked her, “how did you know he was 'the one' for you?” … after a pause she said, “Jenn, that was something I struggled with throughout our relationship, before marriage was even an idea. It was hard for me to determine, because it was a huge decision for me. Marriage is a one time thing for me, and I wanted to be sure he was the one I wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with.”

I nodded my head in agreeing and expressed, “Oh, marriage is a one time thing for me too! Definitely!”

And she went on saying, “I just had to commit. It wasn't until he proposed and I said, 'yes' that I really knew he was the one I wanted to spend my life with. I think it took him wanting to be my husband, and him proposing, for me to officially be okay with, and letting myself accept the idea of marrying him. I just committed, and it's been the best decision I've made yet.”

An interesting thought...for sure; and isn't the thought of the whole email I've been referencing, saying the same thing? Well, yeah...basically. It all comes back to Hellen Chen's advice, “If you want the real thing, don't waste your time dating someone who does not share your idea of commitment.” Isn't that what my friend basically said too? She “just committed.” When her husband proposed and showed his “commitment,” she too “committed herself” to a life together.

Hmm...this makes me smile. I'm smiling, because I'm happy; happy with a really incredible man. Despite what the future does bring, which is the “mystery of life,” I'm happy. I'm happy that at this moment in time, we're committed to each other and we share the commitment. We share the goal of the future and we share a love for each other...we share something that is real. We're both not “dating to date” anymore, and that's refreshing. I'm so happy to be in a relationship that is “real” and where we share a mutual feelings on all aspects. We support each other in all we do and we want the best for the other person. We talk about and express what's on our minds, and we continue to communicate about everything and share that open communication in every situation. Everything is so mutual, I've never experienced anything like this before.

I truly do love him. I'll shout it from mountain tops, “I love you.” <3

I'm a No Collar Perfectionist

What is swirling around my head today? ...It feels like nothing, but I know something is there. Let's try to figure this out...together.

Aside from the normal “to do's” aka grocery shopping or filling up my car with gas, my mind seems pretty calm. The weather outside today is rainy, wet, cloudy, and cold. It's Spring, but with Colorado weather, anything goes...pretty much all the time. The saying goes, “Wait five minutes and see." Today, pretty much hasn't changed.

Some day's it's pretty calm at work, and other day's it's so hectic my mind can't breathe, but today...as I sit at the office I am able to just be. Existing physically and mentally in this one place.

My mind wanders, and I meditate. I do that periodically, so that my stress levels stay low, and so that I can stay calm and just go with the flow when it comes to life. This makes me think...currently, Survivor is on their 30^th season. No joke! Two survivor seasons a year, for 15 years, and still going. That means Survivor started when I was 12-years-old. I remember that season. Richard Hash was on it, and won season 1. That same season had this guy from Boulder on the show...and to have fun on the beach he made a coconut phone and would talk on it periodically. I think his name was Greg and he was just goofy.

Anyway, Survivor this 30^th season, is called, “Worlds Apart.” They have the “Blue Collar's,” “White Collars,” and the “No Collars,” this season, as they really do see how people from “different social classes" work together. It's proved quite interesting. I would put myself into the “No Collar” category. I'm a very happy-go-lucky, la dee da, kind of person; not necessarily a free spirit, but I like to just do my thing and move on. I do well at work when I'm left to do my job, knowing what is expected of me, ask my questions here and there, and just work at my own pace. I get everything done on time or early in general anyway. At times it may seem like I'm still frazzled, but that happens in any work environment. I'm all about the new age and soundscapes type of music, or spa music as people call it...I like my Yoga and Pilates, and my own stress free way of life...so yeah, I'm a “No Collar.” Just an interesting thing to think about.

As I sit quietly at moments in my office, sometimes I like to focus in on the quietness that fills the room. Have you ever done that? Listening to the subtle hum things make. Sometimes I hear my co-worker rip up a piece of paper, or typing on a keyboard. Other times I hear the fax machine receive an incoming fax, or the movement of someone in their chair. I can also tell by the way people's feet hit the ground which co-worker is walking near my office, or the way they fill up their water bottles. No joke! I am very in-tune with my surroundings, and I am very aware of everyone. I have very sensitive hearing too. When I was younger, I could hear my parents whispering in the office downstairs, from my bedroom upstairs. I am 27-year-old, and the white noise sound television's make when they're on; especially if they're on, but turned all the way down, still bothers me. Most people lose the ability to hear “white noise” after awhile, but I've just always been aware.

On this particular day...I also find my mind wandering to how I like things done right. Whether it be my apartment or my desk at work...I like things done right. I like things extremely organized, in their proper place. If I feel cluttered, I tend to get overwhelmed and frazzled. If things are not organized, I feel kind of off balance. I'm a perfectionist. This is true. Sometimes it's quite a hindrance when I have moments where I find myself re-doing things over and over again until they're perfect. ...I remember one time in fourth grade. We were writing or something, and I kept ripping pages out of my notebook, crumpling them up, and starting over.

My teacher Ms. Gonring came up to me and said, “Jennifer, what is going on here? Why do you keep ripping pages from your notebook?”

“I keep messing up.” I said frustratingly.

“Well, it's okay to mess up. We all mess up. Try not to waste paper, just try to think a little bit more, before you start writing,” she said pleasantly, “maybe that will help.”

“I'll try.” I responded.

I was probably, oh man, how old are you in the fourth grade? ...like nine or ten years old. Needless to say when it came around to conferences, she talked with my parents about that incident, and suggested they work with me on my “perfectionist” habits. I'm not like OCD or anything...and I didn't ever have to many more moments like that through school, I just learned to do my work slowly and right. Periodically though, now at work, I'll find myself re-writing things, or crumbling up scratch pieces of paper until they're written right. I just have to take a moment, calm down, breathe, and clear my heard a little, before I move forward. That doesn't mean I still have my, “OMG this is a mess!” kind of moments. – – Another memory I have in recent years...and it's probably because I live alone now, but when I have a ton of people over at my apartment, which is more than like one person (haha...lame I know...) I find myself freaking out about the mess. Usually, if I know people are coming over, like my parents or a friend, I'm prepared and fine, but if it's sprung on me, I'm a little out of my element. Everything is just neat and tidy at my apartment too. My DVD's and CD's are alphabetized, and my closet is organized by dress clothes, shorts, then short sleeved shirts followed by long sleeved, then dress slacks, jeans, and sweaters or sweatshirts. I used to have to have them organized by color...but I'm doing a little better...LOL!

Well one time it was summer, and I was at a work event one Friday night. Following the event my co-workers were like let's go to Jenn So's apartment and use her deck! (I have the coolest little deck that is the roof of a garage...) So they all invited themselves over and brought a cooler of beer and we all drank and had a great time, before we moved on to a bar. I was trying so hard to have fun, and I was! Don't get me wrong...I always have fun with my co-workers, but I felt incredibly out of my element with how chaotic I felt; beer cans everywhere, the door to the patio left open...probably letting bugs in (which I am not a fan of), and a million different conversations going on. I was trying to be a good host...I hope I was!

Basically...as I write this, I feel like I sound like a neat freak or some weirdo, but really...? It's just because I'm a perfectionist. When I was three years old, my mom said she remembers I would always clean up all my toys. She found me countless times picking things up and dropping them back into my play-pin or toy box. I was and have always been a very neat and tidy person. It's just me, and it's just who I am., and I'm not going to change.

I embrace the fact that I'm a perfectionist.

If anything, it's caused me to do my best in everything I do; school, work, projects, characters for plays...and it's made me very goal orientated, driven, and always striving for the next best thing. I'm not a quitter. I give everything my all, and I will always continue to do so.

See how my mind wanders? Oy vey... Basically, as long as I stay calm and easy going, which is my normal nature in life anyway, then I don't feel so overwhelmed in work or home life. My spaces stay organized, I stay stress free, I get my work done, and I do it all over again the next day. I'm a “No Collar” “Perfectionist,” and I'm perfectly content with that.