I'm a No Collar Perfectionist

What is swirling around my head today? ...It feels like nothing, but I know something is there. Let's try to figure this out...together.

Aside from the normal “to do's” aka grocery shopping or filling up my car with gas, my mind seems pretty calm. The weather outside today is rainy, wet, cloudy, and cold. It's Spring, but with Colorado weather, anything goes...pretty much all the time. The saying goes, “Wait five minutes and see." Today, pretty much hasn't changed.

Some day's it's pretty calm at work, and other day's it's so hectic my mind can't breathe, but today...as I sit at the office I am able to just be. Existing physically and mentally in this one place.

My mind wanders, and I meditate. I do that periodically, so that my stress levels stay low, and so that I can stay calm and just go with the flow when it comes to life. This makes me think...currently, Survivor is on their 30^th season. No joke! Two survivor seasons a year, for 15 years, and still going. That means Survivor started when I was 12-years-old. I remember that season. Richard Hash was on it, and won season 1. That same season had this guy from Boulder on the show...and to have fun on the beach he made a coconut phone and would talk on it periodically. I think his name was Greg and he was just goofy.

Anyway, Survivor this 30^th season, is called, “Worlds Apart.” They have the “Blue Collar's,” “White Collars,” and the “No Collars,” this season, as they really do see how people from “different social classes" work together. It's proved quite interesting. I would put myself into the “No Collar” category. I'm a very happy-go-lucky, la dee da, kind of person; not necessarily a free spirit, but I like to just do my thing and move on. I do well at work when I'm left to do my job, knowing what is expected of me, ask my questions here and there, and just work at my own pace. I get everything done on time or early in general anyway. At times it may seem like I'm still frazzled, but that happens in any work environment. I'm all about the new age and soundscapes type of music, or spa music as people call it...I like my Yoga and Pilates, and my own stress free way of life...so yeah, I'm a “No Collar.” Just an interesting thing to think about.

As I sit quietly at moments in my office, sometimes I like to focus in on the quietness that fills the room. Have you ever done that? Listening to the subtle hum things make. Sometimes I hear my co-worker rip up a piece of paper, or typing on a keyboard. Other times I hear the fax machine receive an incoming fax, or the movement of someone in their chair. I can also tell by the way people's feet hit the ground which co-worker is walking near my office, or the way they fill up their water bottles. No joke! I am very in-tune with my surroundings, and I am very aware of everyone. I have very sensitive hearing too. When I was younger, I could hear my parents whispering in the office downstairs, from my bedroom upstairs. I am 27-year-old, and the white noise sound television's make when they're on; especially if they're on, but turned all the way down, still bothers me. Most people lose the ability to hear “white noise” after awhile, but I've just always been aware.

On this particular day...I also find my mind wandering to how I like things done right. Whether it be my apartment or my desk at work...I like things done right. I like things extremely organized, in their proper place. If I feel cluttered, I tend to get overwhelmed and frazzled. If things are not organized, I feel kind of off balance. I'm a perfectionist. This is true. Sometimes it's quite a hindrance when I have moments where I find myself re-doing things over and over again until they're perfect. ...I remember one time in fourth grade. We were writing or something, and I kept ripping pages out of my notebook, crumpling them up, and starting over.

My teacher Ms. Gonring came up to me and said, “Jennifer, what is going on here? Why do you keep ripping pages from your notebook?”

“I keep messing up.” I said frustratingly.

“Well, it's okay to mess up. We all mess up. Try not to waste paper, just try to think a little bit more, before you start writing,” she said pleasantly, “maybe that will help.”

“I'll try.” I responded.

I was probably, oh man, how old are you in the fourth grade? ...like nine or ten years old. Needless to say when it came around to conferences, she talked with my parents about that incident, and suggested they work with me on my “perfectionist” habits. I'm not like OCD or anything...and I didn't ever have to many more moments like that through school, I just learned to do my work slowly and right. Periodically though, now at work, I'll find myself re-writing things, or crumbling up scratch pieces of paper until they're written right. I just have to take a moment, calm down, breathe, and clear my heard a little, before I move forward. That doesn't mean I still have my, “OMG this is a mess!” kind of moments. – – Another memory I have in recent years...and it's probably because I live alone now, but when I have a ton of people over at my apartment, which is more than like one person (haha...lame I know...) I find myself freaking out about the mess. Usually, if I know people are coming over, like my parents or a friend, I'm prepared and fine, but if it's sprung on me, I'm a little out of my element. Everything is just neat and tidy at my apartment too. My DVD's and CD's are alphabetized, and my closet is organized by dress clothes, shorts, then short sleeved shirts followed by long sleeved, then dress slacks, jeans, and sweaters or sweatshirts. I used to have to have them organized by color...but I'm doing a little better...LOL!

Well one time it was summer, and I was at a work event one Friday night. Following the event my co-workers were like let's go to Jenn So's apartment and use her deck! (I have the coolest little deck that is the roof of a garage...) So they all invited themselves over and brought a cooler of beer and we all drank and had a great time, before we moved on to a bar. I was trying so hard to have fun, and I was! Don't get me wrong...I always have fun with my co-workers, but I felt incredibly out of my element with how chaotic I felt; beer cans everywhere, the door to the patio left open...probably letting bugs in (which I am not a fan of), and a million different conversations going on. I was trying to be a good host...I hope I was!

Basically...as I write this, I feel like I sound like a neat freak or some weirdo, but really...? It's just because I'm a perfectionist. When I was three years old, my mom said she remembers I would always clean up all my toys. She found me countless times picking things up and dropping them back into my play-pin or toy box. I was and have always been a very neat and tidy person. It's just me, and it's just who I am., and I'm not going to change.

I embrace the fact that I'm a perfectionist.

If anything, it's caused me to do my best in everything I do; school, work, projects, characters for plays...and it's made me very goal orientated, driven, and always striving for the next best thing. I'm not a quitter. I give everything my all, and I will always continue to do so.

See how my mind wanders? Oy vey... Basically, as long as I stay calm and easy going, which is my normal nature in life anyway, then I don't feel so overwhelmed in work or home life. My spaces stay organized, I stay stress free, I get my work done, and I do it all over again the next day. I'm a “No Collar” “Perfectionist,” and I'm perfectly content with that.