Goodbye...

Today my mind has been flooded with thoughts of “goodbye's”, and no...I'm not going anywhere.

I've always had a hard time saying goodbye, and even now...they get me so emotional. I don't like saying goodbye to people at all, and in recent years I have tried to avoid it... I currently live in Fort Morgan, Colorado. I love the town and the people, my job, my apartment, and Franke's Coffee...one of my favorite hang outs.

Compared to where I lived before in southeastern Colorado, Fort Morgan has been a true blessing. I don't ever want to think about my time in Lamar (that's where I lived while I worked at my first broadcasting job). Lamar was...miserable. A 4.2 square mile town and maybe 7,000 people...I found it incredibly hard to make friends, meet people, and feel involved. Most days I would wake up, go to work, the gym, and go home. The gym, which I usually love...I hated there. I found myself feeling very isolated, depressed...sad, leaving work and finding myself in tears by the time I got home. It didn't help that my boss was not too kind and was very condenscnending. She definitely abused her “power” and caused me to lose all confidence in myself. Needless to say, I was only in Lamar for...maybe five months...I didn't last long. When I moved I never felt happier to leave. I didn't say goodbye to anyone. I just quit one day, and that was it. As scary as it was to quit, it was rewarding to know that I wouldn't be in that environment anymore. I removed all traces of anything on my Facebook, blocked certain people, and wrote one single status, “Just a memory.” It is just a memory; a memory I want to forget. As I drove out of that town, I said in my car, “Goodbye Lamar. I hope to never see you again.”

Fort Morgan is a completely different story! I will gladly go back and visit. I'd love to! One because I have friends that I want to keep in touch with, but two, because I sincerely enjoy my time here. I don't miss Lamar. I know I'll miss Fort Morgan.

What I've realized lately is that I've mentally been preparing myself to say, “goodbye” or to leave and move, for quite some time. I just...haven't told anyone around me. Now, maybe they suspect or sense it, but I've never expressed any unhappiness or ill feelings towards anyone. I genuinely love the people, my friends, my job!...I love it all, but I just feel...it's time for me to spread my wings a little bit. (Which, you've read in previous posts.) I know that I need to move on.

This last weekend was the Christmas play at Fort Morgan United Methodist Church. What a joy it has been to meet the people of that church. Granted...I went to only one service there...the people are as welcoming as my parents church in Englewood. The Methodist have a “Open Arms, Open Hearts, Open Doors” mantra...and I love it, nondenominational, we welcome everyone and anyone of any faith or background. I'm thankful for the Fort Morgan United Methodist Church. I'm thankful for the many people I've met through the Drama Ministry, and I'm thankful for their continued open arms! I will miss them. During Saturday night's performance of “In Light of the Natvitity” by Terri Dill, I used it as a goodbye. Mentally, I was saying goodbye to acting at the church, goodbye to the cast, and really holding on to the memories of the night. Granted...none of them know my plans to move, and neitehr do my friends here in Fort Morgan... I just, don't know how to tell people. I'm kind of one of those, people who doesn't want to cause any sadness or pain. I don't want people sad, so I feel like if I just disappear, no one will be hurt. I know that's not true. Everyone will feel in their own ways, and I just need to say goodbye. When I come to conclusions that I know are right, but don't want to accept...then I tend to say, “I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.” A fault of mine I know...and I've become more and more aware of it. I'm working on not pushing things aside, and to just deal with it and get it out of the way. “Goodbyes” are just hard for me, no matter what.

Allow me to say goodbye...

Goodbye Franke's Coffee, I will always remember the days of reading or journaling, and how your chais are pretty tastey, but how the last gulp is practically all spices...haha.

Goodbye Ole' Solo Mio, your Italian food is utterly amazing...and in this case, I know that if I come up to visit, I'll be stopping by to say, “Hello.”

Goodbye Morgan Lanes, for the last couple years that you've been open while I've been here, I thank you for giving me some entertainment. Events through Roots Group, and memories with friends. Thank you.

Goodbye to Morgan Community College (MCC), and thank you for letting me feel involved in the arts! The Center for Arts and Community Enrichment (CACE) Committee has been enjoyable. All coming together to bring arts to Fort Morgan, has been great. I just wish, and hope you choose to bring more dance and theatre to the community. Enough with the band concerts and other musical bands...all you seem to do is bands and choirs...which I like, but...you need more theatre and dance. You need more variety. Thank you though, for allowing me to feel like I'm involved in my passion.

Goodbye to the School for Performing Arts (SPA), and thank you for welcoming into the MCC Morgan County Chorale. Thank you for the last four concerts and two years of fun. Singing every Thursday. I certainly will miss Tertia and the whole choir...you all are so wonderful, and the fun we all have. May we please remain friends.

Goodbye to Little Bamboo! I sadly will miss your Panang Curry! Thank you for having decent Chinese Food! The other two restaurants in this town...are so bad, but your food is actually pretty good. Thank you.

Goodbye to the Cover 4 Theatre. I will miss you. For a 12,000 person town, your theatre is wonderful. Thank you for all the wonderful movies, and all the girls nights I had with Leah and Chelsea (before they both got married). I can close my eyes and see myself watching, “Divergent,” “Pitch Perfect 2,” “Insurgent,” and...so many others! I just wish some of your popular movies stayed longer than a week or two...

Goodbye to City Hall, I will not miss you. Those council meetings were torture, but I still learned a lot. I will be glad to move on though, to let someone else sit in on those meetings...

Goodbye to the Fort Morgan Administrative Building...and goodbye to commissioner meetings. Most of the time, those were fine...quick and easy, to the point... I will miss the friendly faces I've seen for the past (almost three years) weekly.

Goodbye to the District Support Center and goodbye to school board meetings. Although interesting...I will be glad to not have to cover those meetings anymore.

Goodbye to City Park in Downtown Fort Morgan. I truly will miss you. I can close my eyes and see summer of BobStock music festivals and Christmas Capital of the Plains events. I see lawn chairs on top of lawn chairs as people gather for summer concerts in the park. Thank you for being the heart of my time here, for giving me some memorable memories. Despite the hard work that always occurred, those memories will always remain in my heart.

Goodbye to Morgan County Roots Group. Thank you for being there whenI moved here...knowing only one person in the whole town, you were my lifeline. You've introduced me to my Fort Morgan friends, and to some amazing great times. Wine tastings, beer tasting, Halloween Parties, Ugly Christmas Swaeater Parties, and so much more! I will come visit if I can!

Goodbye to Fort Morgan United Methodist Church. I will sincerely miss all of you. The Drama Ministry, although...not what I'm used to for acting, was really nice for my time here. I am thankful for being involved and for you welcoming me. They've been good experiences. I'm thankful for your love while I've been here.

Goodbye to Media Logic Radio. I know I've not said when I'm leaving yet, and in my head...I know when that day will be. Thank you for welcoming me in 2013...with smiles and excitement. Thank you for being the answer to my prayers and for offering me this amazing job. I truly have learned so much, and I am forever thankful. Thank you for the memories. I definitely will come visit. You all will always remain in my heart.

Goodbye to my apartment, goodbye to the awesome fireplace, rooftop patio, and elevator. So may memories of my first “real” place on my own. Thank you for the amazing memories I've had with my family and friends. Thank you for being the place where I discovered more of my own self, the place where I decided to travel abroad, the place where I started raising a cat. Thank you for being the apartment where I grew as a person, and where a lot of soul searching occurred.

Goodbye to my friends and co-workers. This isn't really goodbye...I'm sorry if I don't get to tell you goodbye, but I am thankful for your impacts on my life. I will always remember you.

Goodbye to Fort Morgan. Goodbye to the amazing people. Goodbye to the town. I'll be back to visit, but I know this is what I need to do right now. Thank you for being the start of my career.

Thank you to God, for answering my prayers, and for bringing me to Fort Morgan. Thank you for guiding me and for being a constant light in my life.

….I know it's not really a goodbye, but I hope this post acts like one. A way for me to express my feelings, and for me to express the sadness that sometimes can come with saying, “goodbye.”

There are moments where I feel like I belong here...but those are out numbered by the feelings of awkwardness...the feelings of, “I don't belong here,” the “I don't feel like anyone likes me,” and the “They don't really want me here” moments....

As much as I do like being here...I just sense that it's time for me to go. It's time for me to move on to a bigger market, and try new things. My teachers are telling me to move on as well, and I need to move on before I get too comfortable. Forgive me for not being too outgoing, or if I seemed like I didn't want to be here. Please forgive me for not getting too rooted...I mentioned it before, I just wanted to make it easier for me...to leave, and for that I'm sorry. Thank you.

Goodbye.

Today's fortune cookie fortune (really is):

“ Your good looks and journalistic skill will bring you great fourtune.”

A look at what will be.

Here's to the new chapter. “Hello.”